Chapter 10 - How to Talk to Yourself? (Self-talk, Day 8) | Begin with “I” by Rohit Sethi - Self Help Learning PDF Download

How to talk to yourself?  (Self-talk, Day 8)

“If you hear a voice within you saying, ‘You are not a painter’ then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced” ~Vincent Van Gogh

It is Ron’s turn to drive to office. The discussion in the car centers on the getaway that other two guys went to, over the weekend, with their families. They invited Ron as well, but he declined saying that he had family visiting him over the weekend. Now, listening to their discussion, Ron felt like he missed something by not joining them. But, he is quite satisfied with the way he used his time otherwise. The weekend was heavy with a lot of information for him to absorb. He is already starting to see positive changes in him and how he sees the world. He appreciates that though most people in the world believe in circumstances controlling their lives, there can be a few who play an increased role in what shows up in their lives and they create their own circumstances. As Bruce Berton said, “Nothing great has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe something inside them was superior to circumstances.”

In the office, Ron watches people closely. For the first time, he sees more causality in all that he sees. He is able to understand why some people produce the kind of results they do in all areas of their lives. He relates their results to their self-image, the beliefs they hold, their charisma, their passion and energy levels, and their mental strength.

Another work day ends. Ron gets back home to his routine of showering, ordering in, dining and getting ready for the discussion with Ron+.

Principle 1: You are not the voice in your head; you are the one who hears it

“Ron, there is a voice in our heads that constantly keeps talking and hardly ever shuts up! What is ironical is that most people do not even realize the presence of this voice.”

“There is a voice in our heads that constantly keeps talking and hardly ever shuts up! What is ironical is that most people do not even realize the presence of this voice.”

“Yes, you are right! This is the first time I am hearing someone talk about it!

“Let’s do an exercise right away. Make the voice say, ‘Wow, Ron! You are such a super star, I am proud of you!’ Now tell me, how does it feel?”

“It feels weird! But yes, I can hear the voice!” 

“I am sure you can acknowledge the voice’s presence. You feel weird as the voice never really talks to you like that! Now try saying, ‘Why do I always screw up?’ It’s perfectly fine if it sounds familiar. Most people are used to hearing negative things from the voice within.”

“Yes, you are right again!”

“A liberating realization is that you are not the voice and can make yourself independent of it. This voice does both. It talks in positive as well as negative tones. Which of the two dominates in your case depends on what you listen to, more. It is like asking, if two dogs fight, which of the two will win? The answer is simple: The one you have been feeding more will win! Research indicates that out of the 60,000 thoughts we have daily, around 80% tend to be negative e.g. ‘I am always late’, ‘My hair can never look good’, ‘Maybe I should not have said that’ and the like. Sounds familiar?”

“Yes of course! Ron+, are you suggesting that we get rid of the negative voice altogether?”

“Most people listen to the negative one more than the positive one. There is nothing wrong with the negative one. It is just a biological mechanism that alerts us when we try to do something new or different or venture out of our comfort zones. The larger objective that voice serves is to do the best for us. Appreciate it for that. What needs to change is when it criticizes us more than necessary and debilitates us from taking action. Each time the negative voice alerts us, we need to listen to it, acknowledge it for expressing its concern and then continue to prepare our plans or act positively. Courage is not absence of fear, it is overcoming of fear.”

Principle 2: The words we use to describe it become a part of any experience

“The words you attach to an experience start to define it. Imagine you come from a dinner and you quite liked the food. Try this. Whenever someone asks you how the dinner was, act as if you did not like it and say ‘It was terrible’. Do it with four or five people and you will realize that when you think of the dinner yourself, you do not feel good. One of the powerful applications of this observation is to encourage people to assess the vocabulary they use commonly and modify it to make it positive, and test how, with the change in the vocabulary, they are able to change the way they feel about themselves and their lives in general. We will do some exercises around it later today.” 

“The words you attach to an experience start to define it.”

“One of the reasons why our peer group tends to have a huge impact on us is this. We pick up the same vocabulary and talking patterns. Try it for yourself, or maybe you have already observed it. Watch the new words that come into your day-to-day conversations and your thoughts. Check where they came from.”

Principle 3: Ask better questions to get better answers

“Successful people ask better questions and hence they get better answers. A lot of people say that they want their relationships to be happy and fulfilling. But the question they repeat in their heads is ‘Why is this relationship not working?’ or ‘Can this relationship ever work?’ If you ask these questions, the mind constantly brings the negative aspects into your focus. A better question to ask would be, ‘What can I do to make this relationship work?’ This will force your mind to seek ‘solutions’ rather than ‘excuses’.”

“Successful people ask better questions and hence they get better answers.”

“In times of tragedy or loss, people tend to ask, ‘Why did this happen to me? Now, you are intelligent enough to realize that this question is not the best one to ask as it cannot elicit resourceful responses. A better question is to ask, ‘What is the learning for me in this?’ or ‘What does this have to teach me?’ or ‘Now that this has happened, how does it leave me better than I was before this?’”

“The moment we take a higher perspective on life, we understand that there is a larger intelligence in the world and that we will never be able to understand what is going on. Is it not then a good choice to assign positive meanings all the time? Let me rephrase. When you can never know what is going on with full certainty and you are assuming anyway, why not assume something positive that makes you feel better and resourceful to take action rather than something negative that limits your life experience? The more we stay positive, the more we begin to understand how the larger intelligence works. Now, since we are humans at the end of the day, and will never be able to banish all negative thought, we will never fully understand the larger intelligence. Hence, this journey is all about striving, striving to get there as much as we can.”

“When you can never know what is going on with full certainty and you are assuming anyway, why not assume something positive that makes you feel better and resourceful to take action rather than something negative that limits your life experience?”

Principle 4: It is possible to convert that inner voice into your cheerleader, your coach

“The point I am emphasizing here is this: Your inner voice tends to be critical of you most of the time. Sometimes, to such a high degree that it becomes disturbing. If you can make your inner voice come onto your side, it can go from becoming your worst critic to your best coach. I say worst critic because that’s the first level of resistance you face in trying to do anything other than what you do in your little world. On that note, let me build it further. There are typically three levels of resistance that you face when you try to do something unconventional:

• Level 1: Your own inner voice
• Level 2: Your circle of close associates i.e. spouse, family, and friends
• Level 3: The world in general”

“Level 1 is the first one you need to conquer and bring onto your side. If you don’t have it on your side, it will be difficult for you to get levels 2 and 3 on your side.”

“With changes in your self-image and beliefs, and becoming better at mind control, it is possible for you to train your inner voice to adopt a different style of talking. Instead of critiquing and criticizing, you can train it to talk to you like a coach does.”

“With changes in your self-image and beliefs, and becoming better at mind control, it is possible for you to train your inner voice to adopt a different style of talking.”

“Ron+, can you give some examples?”

“Sure. Instead of saying, ‘You will never get it right’, train the voice to say, ‘What do you need to do/ have/ learn to get it right?’ Instead of saying, ‘People don’t care about me or a specific person doesn’t care about me’, train it to say, ‘What can I do to make people care about me or to make that person care about me?’ Instead of saying, ‘I feel so unhappy’, train it to ask questions to help you get to the bottom of why you feel the way you feel: ‘How exactly am I feeling?’, ‘Why am I feeling this way?’, ‘What can I do to feel differently?’, ‘How do I want to feel?’, ‘What can I do to feel that way?’ and so on.”

“You can train your inner voice to be your cheerleader and to be your coach, helping you clear the mental fog when you feel overwhelmed and to be your best friend who is always with you on this endless journey of growth and contribution.”

“Let’s work on the exercises around this.”

Exercise 1: Self-talk assessment: Listen to the voice

“I want you to start noticing the inner voice inside your head. As a first exercise, I want you to sit in a relaxed place and notice the specifics of that voice in your case. I want you to find out:

• Where do you hear the voice? In your left ear, right ear or in both?
• Whose voice is it? Is it yours, or someone else’s?
• What are the patterns that voice uses? Is it always negative, or is it a mix of positives and negatives?
• It is friendly to you or is it harsh on you?
• If it was possible to take that voice outside of you and give it to another person, would you like to have that person next to you all the time or you would have told the person to pack up and go away in just couple of hours?”

“Externalizing the voice, that is, treating it not as a part of yourself but separate from you will already start to initiate a big change in the way you respond to it.”

“Externalizing the voice, that is, treating it not as a part of yourself but separate from you will already start to initiate a big change in the way you respond to it.”

As instructed, Ron conducts the exercise and makes a note of the responses for himself.

Exercise 2: Make friends with the inner voice

“Now that you have dissociated from the voice, start to interrupt the habitual patterns in which that voice has been talking. Having done the exercises on self-image, beliefs, passion, goals and especially mind control, you already see the patterns in your self-talk changing. For the remaining part, you are more equipped to interrupt this voice each time it starts to say something that is not aligned with you becoming your best version.”

“The positive reinforcement we talked about works wonders in changing human behavior. Each time you are able to convince your inner voice to go from negative to positive, treat yourself to something you like.”

“Each time you are able to convince your inner voice to go from negative to positive, treat yourself to something you like.”

“Sure, I will do that, Ron+.”

With that, they call off the day. Ron spends some time noticing the voice, and in the process, starts to dissociate from it.