Page 1 B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD • Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard and take on his identity. Does he succeed? • The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given, to find out. cultured an informal expression for a fashionable vehicle count on unnecessary and usually harmful engaged exaggerated melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered to be smart here, a tone of voice inflection avoid wise guy an unexpected opportunity for success a dandy bus trap tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who teaches on Sundays in Church gratuitous (American English) a person who pretends to know a lot dodge depend on; rely on lucky break (American English) an informal way of saying that one is being too clever Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy frame merchants SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone. 1 1 1 1 11. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou 2020-21 Page 2 B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD • Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard and take on his identity. Does he succeed? • The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given, to find out. cultured an informal expression for a fashionable vehicle count on unnecessary and usually harmful engaged exaggerated melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered to be smart here, a tone of voice inflection avoid wise guy an unexpected opportunity for success a dandy bus trap tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who teaches on Sundays in Church gratuitous (American English) a person who pretends to know a lot dodge depend on; rely on lucky break (American English) an informal way of saying that one is being too clever Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy frame merchants SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone. 1 1 1 1 11. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou 2020-21 (When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.) GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know... Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye. (He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.) GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er— INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be pleased for long. Put those paws up! GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps, but… INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er— GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think. INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. I want to know a few things, see. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. If I Were You / 139 2020-21 Page 3 B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD • Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard and take on his identity. Does he succeed? • The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given, to find out. cultured an informal expression for a fashionable vehicle count on unnecessary and usually harmful engaged exaggerated melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered to be smart here, a tone of voice inflection avoid wise guy an unexpected opportunity for success a dandy bus trap tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who teaches on Sundays in Church gratuitous (American English) a person who pretends to know a lot dodge depend on; rely on lucky break (American English) an informal way of saying that one is being too clever Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy frame merchants SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone. 1 1 1 1 11. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou 2020-21 (When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.) GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know... Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye. (He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.) GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er— INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be pleased for long. Put those paws up! GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps, but… INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er— GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think. INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. I want to know a few things, see. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. If I Were You / 139 2020-21 140 / Beehive GERRARD : Anything you like. I know all the answers. But before we begin I should like to change my position; you may be comfortable, but I am not. INTRUDER : Sit down there, and no funny business. (Motions to a chair, and seats himself on the divan by the bag.) Now then, we’ll have a nice little talk about yourself! GERRARD : At last a sympathetic audience! I’ll tell you the story of my life. How as a child I was stolen by the gypsies, and why at the age of thirty-two, I find myself in my lonely Essex cottage, how... INTRUDER : Keep it to yourself, and just answer my questions. You live here alone? Well, do you? GERRARD : I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me, not asking me. A question of inflection; your voice is unfamiliar. INTRUDER : (with emphasis) Do you live here alone? GERRARD : And if I don’t answer? INTRUDER : You’ve got enough sense not to want to get hurt. GERRARD : I think good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid pain than in the mere desire to do so. What do you think, Mr— er— INTRUDER : Never mind my name. I like yours better, Mr Gerrard. What are your Christian names? GERRARD : Vincent Charles. INTRUDER : Do you run a car? GERRARD : No. INTRUDER : That’s a lie. You’re not dealing with a fool. I’m as smart as you and smarter, and I know you run a car. Better be careful, wise guy! GERRARD : Are you American, or is that merely a clever imitation? INTRUDER : Listen, this gun’s no toy. I can hurt you without killing you, and still get my answers. GERRARD : Of course, if you put it like that, I’ll be glad to assist you. I do possess a car, and it’s in the garage round the corner. INTRUDER : That’s better. Do people often come out here? GERRARD : Very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to visit me. There’s the baker and the greengrocer, of course; and then there’s the milkman — quite charming, but no one so interesting as yourself. INTRUDER : I happen to know that you never see tradespeople. 2020-21 Page 4 B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD • Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard and take on his identity. Does he succeed? • The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given, to find out. cultured an informal expression for a fashionable vehicle count on unnecessary and usually harmful engaged exaggerated melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered to be smart here, a tone of voice inflection avoid wise guy an unexpected opportunity for success a dandy bus trap tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who teaches on Sundays in Church gratuitous (American English) a person who pretends to know a lot dodge depend on; rely on lucky break (American English) an informal way of saying that one is being too clever Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy frame merchants SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone. 1 1 1 1 11. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou 2020-21 (When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.) GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know... Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye. (He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.) GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er— INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be pleased for long. Put those paws up! GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps, but… INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er— GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think. INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. I want to know a few things, see. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. If I Were You / 139 2020-21 140 / Beehive GERRARD : Anything you like. I know all the answers. But before we begin I should like to change my position; you may be comfortable, but I am not. INTRUDER : Sit down there, and no funny business. (Motions to a chair, and seats himself on the divan by the bag.) Now then, we’ll have a nice little talk about yourself! GERRARD : At last a sympathetic audience! I’ll tell you the story of my life. How as a child I was stolen by the gypsies, and why at the age of thirty-two, I find myself in my lonely Essex cottage, how... INTRUDER : Keep it to yourself, and just answer my questions. You live here alone? Well, do you? GERRARD : I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me, not asking me. A question of inflection; your voice is unfamiliar. INTRUDER : (with emphasis) Do you live here alone? GERRARD : And if I don’t answer? INTRUDER : You’ve got enough sense not to want to get hurt. GERRARD : I think good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid pain than in the mere desire to do so. What do you think, Mr— er— INTRUDER : Never mind my name. I like yours better, Mr Gerrard. What are your Christian names? GERRARD : Vincent Charles. INTRUDER : Do you run a car? GERRARD : No. INTRUDER : That’s a lie. You’re not dealing with a fool. I’m as smart as you and smarter, and I know you run a car. Better be careful, wise guy! GERRARD : Are you American, or is that merely a clever imitation? INTRUDER : Listen, this gun’s no toy. I can hurt you without killing you, and still get my answers. GERRARD : Of course, if you put it like that, I’ll be glad to assist you. I do possess a car, and it’s in the garage round the corner. INTRUDER : That’s better. Do people often come out here? GERRARD : Very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to visit me. There’s the baker and the greengrocer, of course; and then there’s the milkman — quite charming, but no one so interesting as yourself. INTRUDER : I happen to know that you never see tradespeople. 2020-21 If I Were You / 141 GERRARD : You seem to have taken a considerable amount of trouble. Since you know so much about me, won’t you say something about yourself? You have been so modest. INTRUDER : I could tell you plenty. You think you’re smart, but I’m the top of the class round here. I’ve got brains and I use them. That’s how I’ve got where I have. GERRARD : And where precisely have you got? It didn’t require a great brain to break into my little cottage. INTRUDER : When you know why I’ve broken into your little cottage, you’ll be surprised, and it won’t be a pleasant surprise. GERRARD : With you figuring so largely in it, that is understandable. By the way, what particular line of crime do you embrace, or aren’t you a specialist? INTRUDER : My speciality’s jewel robbery. Your car will do me a treat. It’s certainly a dandy bus. GERRARD : I’m afraid jewels are few and far between in the wilds of Essex. INTRUDER : So are the cops. I can retire here nicely for a little while. GERRARD : You mean to live with me? A trifle sudden isn’t it; you’ve not been invited. INTRUDER : You won’t be here long; so I didn’t trouble to ask. GERRARD : What do you mean? INTRUDER : This is your big surprise. I’m going to kill you. GERRARD : A little harsh, isn’t it? INTRUDER : (with heavy sarcasm) Yeah, I’ll be sorry to do it. I’ve taken a fancy to you, but it’s just got to be done. GERRARD : Why add murder to your other crimes? It’s a grave step you’re taking. INTRUDER : I’m not taking it for fun. I’ve been hunted long enough. I’m wanted for murder already, and they can’t hang me twice. GERRARD : You’re planning a gratuitous double, so to speak. Admitted you’ve nothing to lose, but what have you to gain? INTRUDER : I’ve got freedom to gain. As for myself, I’m a poor hunted rat. As Vincent Charles Gerrard I’m free to go places and do nothing. I can eat well and sleep and without having to be ready to beat it at the sight of a cop. GERRARD : In most melodramas the villain is foolish enough to delay his killing long enough to be frustrated. You are much luckier. 2020-21 Page 5 B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD • Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard and take on his identity. Does he succeed? • The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given, to find out. cultured an informal expression for a fashionable vehicle count on unnecessary and usually harmful engaged exaggerated melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered to be smart here, a tone of voice inflection avoid wise guy an unexpected opportunity for success a dandy bus trap tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who teaches on Sundays in Church gratuitous (American English) a person who pretends to know a lot dodge depend on; rely on lucky break (American English) an informal way of saying that one is being too clever Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy frame merchants SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone. 1 1 1 1 11. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I W 1. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou 2020-21 (When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.) GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know... Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye. (He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.) GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er— INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be pleased for long. Put those paws up! GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps, but… INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er— GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think. INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. I want to know a few things, see. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl. If I Were You / 139 2020-21 140 / Beehive GERRARD : Anything you like. I know all the answers. But before we begin I should like to change my position; you may be comfortable, but I am not. INTRUDER : Sit down there, and no funny business. (Motions to a chair, and seats himself on the divan by the bag.) Now then, we’ll have a nice little talk about yourself! GERRARD : At last a sympathetic audience! I’ll tell you the story of my life. How as a child I was stolen by the gypsies, and why at the age of thirty-two, I find myself in my lonely Essex cottage, how... INTRUDER : Keep it to yourself, and just answer my questions. You live here alone? Well, do you? GERRARD : I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me, not asking me. A question of inflection; your voice is unfamiliar. INTRUDER : (with emphasis) Do you live here alone? GERRARD : And if I don’t answer? INTRUDER : You’ve got enough sense not to want to get hurt. GERRARD : I think good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid pain than in the mere desire to do so. What do you think, Mr— er— INTRUDER : Never mind my name. I like yours better, Mr Gerrard. What are your Christian names? GERRARD : Vincent Charles. INTRUDER : Do you run a car? GERRARD : No. INTRUDER : That’s a lie. You’re not dealing with a fool. I’m as smart as you and smarter, and I know you run a car. Better be careful, wise guy! GERRARD : Are you American, or is that merely a clever imitation? INTRUDER : Listen, this gun’s no toy. I can hurt you without killing you, and still get my answers. GERRARD : Of course, if you put it like that, I’ll be glad to assist you. I do possess a car, and it’s in the garage round the corner. INTRUDER : That’s better. Do people often come out here? GERRARD : Very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to visit me. There’s the baker and the greengrocer, of course; and then there’s the milkman — quite charming, but no one so interesting as yourself. INTRUDER : I happen to know that you never see tradespeople. 2020-21 If I Were You / 141 GERRARD : You seem to have taken a considerable amount of trouble. Since you know so much about me, won’t you say something about yourself? You have been so modest. INTRUDER : I could tell you plenty. You think you’re smart, but I’m the top of the class round here. I’ve got brains and I use them. That’s how I’ve got where I have. GERRARD : And where precisely have you got? It didn’t require a great brain to break into my little cottage. INTRUDER : When you know why I’ve broken into your little cottage, you’ll be surprised, and it won’t be a pleasant surprise. GERRARD : With you figuring so largely in it, that is understandable. By the way, what particular line of crime do you embrace, or aren’t you a specialist? INTRUDER : My speciality’s jewel robbery. Your car will do me a treat. It’s certainly a dandy bus. GERRARD : I’m afraid jewels are few and far between in the wilds of Essex. INTRUDER : So are the cops. I can retire here nicely for a little while. GERRARD : You mean to live with me? A trifle sudden isn’t it; you’ve not been invited. INTRUDER : You won’t be here long; so I didn’t trouble to ask. GERRARD : What do you mean? INTRUDER : This is your big surprise. I’m going to kill you. GERRARD : A little harsh, isn’t it? INTRUDER : (with heavy sarcasm) Yeah, I’ll be sorry to do it. I’ve taken a fancy to you, but it’s just got to be done. GERRARD : Why add murder to your other crimes? It’s a grave step you’re taking. INTRUDER : I’m not taking it for fun. I’ve been hunted long enough. I’m wanted for murder already, and they can’t hang me twice. GERRARD : You’re planning a gratuitous double, so to speak. Admitted you’ve nothing to lose, but what have you to gain? INTRUDER : I’ve got freedom to gain. As for myself, I’m a poor hunted rat. As Vincent Charles Gerrard I’m free to go places and do nothing. I can eat well and sleep and without having to be ready to beat it at the sight of a cop. GERRARD : In most melodramas the villain is foolish enough to delay his killing long enough to be frustrated. You are much luckier. 2020-21 142 / Beehive INTRUDER : I’m O.K. I’ve got a reason for everything. I’m going to be Vincent Charles Gerrard, see. I’ve got to know what he talks like. Now I know. That posh stuff comes easy. This is Mr V.C. Gerrard speaking. (Pantomime of phoning, in imitation cultured voice.) And that’s not all. (He stands up.) Get up a minute (Gerrard stands.) Now take a look at me. GERRARD : You’re not particularly decorative. INTRUDER : No! Well, that goes for you, too. I’ve only got to wear specs and I’ll be enough like you to get away with it. GERRARD : What about your clothes? They’ll let you down if you’re not careful. INTRUDER : That’ll be all right. Yours will fit me fine. GERRARD : That is extremely interesting, but you seem to miss the point of my remark. I said, you were luckier than most melodramatic villains. It was not a tribute to your intelligence. You won’t kill me for a very good reason. INTRUDER : So that’s what you think. GERRARD : You’ll let me go, and thank God you didn’t shoot sooner. INTRUDER : Come on. What’s on your mind! Better be quick. This conversation bores me. GERRARD : Your idea is to elude the police by killing me and taking on my identity? INTRUDER : Yes, I like the idea. GERRARD : But are you sure it’s going to help you? INTRUDER : Now listen here. I’ve got this all planned. I did a job in town. Things went wrong and I killed a cop. Since then I’ve done nothing but dodge. GERRARD : And this is where dodging has brought you? INTRUDER : It brought me to Aylesbury. That’s where I saw you in the car. Two other people saw you and started to talk. I listened. It looks like you’re a bit queer — kind of a mystery man. GERRARD : A mystery which I propose to explain. INTRUDER : (disregarding him) You phone your orders and sometimes you go away suddenly and come back just the same. Those are just the things I want to do. Hearing about you was one of my luckiest breaks. GERRARD : Apparently you haven’t the intelligence to ask why I am invested in this cloak of mystery. 2020-21Read More
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