Chapter 3 - Beginning The Transformation (Day 1) | Begin with “I” by Rohit Sethi - Self Help Learning PDF Download

 Beginning The  Transformation (Day 1)

Ron starts the day with his usual rituals. He hits the ten-minute snooze button thrice before waking up. He starts by cursing the day and wondering why he has to get up each day for work. He then realizes that he has Ron+ with him, and feels better, as there will be some change to his daily monotonous life. In the shower, he is his usual self, complaining in his mind about how his life is so difficult and how he wishes everything was the way in which he wanted. Ron gets dressed and gobbles down a quick functional breakfast. He rushes to the car pool. Ron+ accompanies Ron in the usual one-hour long car ride that Ron takes to his office every day with two of his colleagues. The three of them take turns to drive others in their cars. Ron’s turn is in two days. They greet each other and a discussion starts around what each of the guys did over the weekend. The discussion then quickly moves to all that is not right in their lives. They talk about the economy, their company, their bosses, other colleagues, other friends who are putting up glorious updates on social networks, how their own bodies are getting aged, how fun and carefree their college days were, how life has only been deteriorating since and how the future prospects look exceedingly bleak.
Ron+ quietly listens to the conversation all along. He seems a bit appalled at how a fine discussion downgraded so quickly to a ‘complain-and-blame’ session that could hardly do anyone any good. On the contrary, it would totally convince them of their helplessness to change anything about their lives, keeping them in the rut, that they think they are in, forever.

Figure 9: Description of the car pool

There is something for all of us to learn from Ron+ here. Do you think you can listen to three people talk for an hour without you saying a single word?

On reaching the office, Ron practises more of his routine rituals. He greets his colleagues, turns on his laptop, moves to the pantry to grab a cup of coffee, socializes some more there, comes back to his desk, checks email, responds to the immediate ones, flags the ones he needs to respond to by end of the day, updates his to-do list, and marks all that needs to be done that day.
Ron+ seems impressed and thinks to himself, ‘Okay, that doesn’t seem too bad a start to the work day!’ In close to two hours, Ron seems quite distracted and is constantly trying to multitask working on the presentation for his boss due end of the day, surfing the net to find information for his presentation, random surfing, social networking, chatting with friends on and off, and the constant buzzing of the chat programs on his smartphone, that he is catering to on a regular basis, almost on a 75-25% time sharing basis with his laptop.

Figure 10: Ron in the office 

Ron+ is appalled at how Ron is not engaged in any single activity with full focus. It is time for lunch and Ron accompanies his colleagues to the food court in the office building. The lunch lasts for an hour and appallingly for Ron+ most of the topics discussed are the same as those from the car pool. Although Ron+ is not a trained nutritionist, it was not too tough for him to guess that the group did not make the best lunch choices and also ended up eating more than they probably needed to. Ron+ is sure he would be able to prove his hypothesis in a couple of hours.
Post lunch, work begins again. Around forty-five minutes into checking emails and progressing on work, the group starts to feel low on energy and makes a coffee call. They meet in the pantry, spend another thirty minutes, complaining and talking about how drowsy and bored they feel every day after lunch.
Ron returns to his desk, works for around sixty minutes with full focus, post which he again loses himself in the beeps of his various chat programs. In fact, it is not just Ron. Most of his colleagues seem to be drowned in the constant buzzing of the distracted world that we live in these days. Ron+ is thinking to himself, ‘Wasn’t technology supposed to make our lives simpler? Or maybe, it holds true only for people who know how to use technology to get what they want rather than being used by technology!’

“Wasn’t technology supposed to make our lives simpler? Or maybe, it holds true only for people who know how to use technology to get what they want rather than being used by technology!”

The nine-hour work day comes to an end. In summary, Ron took a one-hour long lunch break with three coffee breaks each time chatting up with his colleagues around topics beyond anyone’s direct control – the usual suspects such as weather, traffic, economy, politics, bosses, and other people in general. It is time to head home. It is not a surprise that Ron has not been able to finish the presentation he had to hand in. He seems relaxed, he knows he is just left with a few minor touch-ups that would take him an hour and he can do them from home at night.

The car pool back home did not see much discussion. There was some minor chitchat, primarily around the same topics. Ron+ remains quiet all along. Ron reaches home, showers, changes, orders dinner in and pulls out his laptop to finish work. It takes him forty-five minutes to close the presentation, pretty much exactly when the food arrives. He turns on the television and starts to eat. Thirty minutes, and Ron is done, fully available to debrief with Ron+ as they discussed in the morning.

Ron pours himself and Ron+ cups of freshly made green tea as they sit on the balcony for the debrief. Ron+ starts by highlighting certain observations to Ron that are glaringly obvious to an external but not so much to the one living them.

“Let’s go to the beginning, as early as the snooze button! Ron, there are two approaches to getting up (i) going straight out of the bed, or (ii) hitting the snooze button on the alarm multiple times. The latter approach indicates to our bodies and minds that we are reluctant to get up and start our day and then no wonder that message sticks with us for the rest of the day. A better practice is to jump start your day by getting out of bed at first sound of the alarm. This can usually be accomplished by placing the alarm clock at a distance where you are forced to get out of bed to turn it off. Once you do that, do not look back at the bed, and go straight into your morning routine.” 

Figure 11: The snooze button

“Snoozing indicates to our bodies and minds that we are reluctant to get up and start our day and then no wonder that message sticks with us for the rest of the day.”

“In the shower, you kept talking to yourself in your head, saying how difficult your life is and how you are coping with it. Why would you do that? Look at yourself! You are doing well in life overall. Why would you not want to start your day by thanking life? To just put things into perspective here, I can tell you that almost half of the world, that is over three billion people, lives on less than two and a half dollars a day. You have no idea how many people would be willing to be in your position. I really don’t understand why you shouldn’t be grateful for what you have.”

“Hmm… Ron+, I am grateful in general, just that I forget it sometimes.” “Moving to breakfast… Well, if you can just skip that snooze button habit, you would have thirty additional minutes in the morning allowing yourself to give your body a better breakfast with a more mindful presence rather than just rushing around to put something into your body for the sake of doing it!”

“On the car pool ride, I would like to take the liberty to tell you that I absolutely did not like how you spent your time there! Most of your two hours every day – over a longer time frame, say five years, this would be more than two thousand hours in total – is spent talking about things that you cannot directly control, so it is not the best use of your time. Additionally, focusing on things that one cannot directly control creates a sense of ‘helplessness’ that further reinforces the feeling of being ‘stuck’. The same time can be used to focus on more productive activities such as listening to inspirational audio tapes or relaxation music, reading books, structuring your tasks for the day, typing emails that you can send once you reach office, and many more.” “In the office, you seemed way too distracted, mixing work and play – not the best strategy! Mixing work and play drains out the possibility of achieving full contentment from either. A lot of people suffer from this and do not even recognize why they feel that lack of fulfilment. The ability of human beings to focus on one task is a primary driver for excellence. Instead of honing your focus to be laser-sharp in one activity, you diffuse it across multiple items.”

“Mixing work and play drains out the possibility of achieving full contentment from either.”

Ron is listening intently, doesn’t know what to say. This is the first time someone has shown that keen an interest in his life along with an honest eagerness to support making it better.

Ron+ continues. “I am sorry, Ron, if I am sounding harsh, but you know another reason why most people remain deprived from living their best lives?  They cannot muster the courage it takes to be fully honest with themselves about their strengths and areas of improvement.”

“No, it’s perfectly fine Ron+, please continue… I am totally with you!”

“Great, Ron! I appreciate your courage and am thankful that you are allowing me to give you these strong messages. Most people are so sensitive around this area that they forever lose the opportunity to see the world of possibility that lies beyond these seemingly harsh inputs.”

“Most people are so sensitive around this area that they forever lose the opportunity to see the world of possibility that lies beyond these seemingly harsh inputs.”

Ron+ continues… “In accompanying your colleagues on multiple coffee breaks, you end up spending much of the office time in more socialization than required. The same time can be used for finishing the work quicker. 

Today you ended up bringing work home that you could have easily finished in the office had you been more focused. You could have utilized the time at home for something that added more value to yourself say perhaps a run on the treadmill.”

“Hmm, I understand. I never really thought of it that way.”

“You have a hobby Ron, and it is not just you, it is something that is widespread across – focusing on things that are beyond our control and feeling helpless. Since we are born and raised in such a culture, it comes to us so naturally and effortlessly that we don’t even realize that it is something that we do to ourselves. We practise ‘helplessness’ and then become extremely proficient at it with years of consistent practice. My best estimate is that people spend around three hours daily thinking or talking about things beyond their control, and probably even more on the weekends. Over a year, it’s more than 1,000 hours and over ten years, it’s more than 10,000 hours, the time duration in which people can attain mastery in any topic that they put focused effort in. Don’t you think you are selling yourself short by not investing this time elsewhere?”

“You have a hobby Ron, and it is not just you, it is something that is a widespread across – focusing on things that are beyond our control and feeling helpless.”

“I understand… But I do not have a clear passion that drives me!”

“Ron, I think you are making an assumption here. Are you assuming that people who have clear areas of passion actually enjoy what they do 100% of the time?”

“Well, I do assume that!”

“Okay! Let me bring in some perspective here. Yes, it is true that some people are interested in certain things. But what really turns it into a passion is their drive to take massive action towards that. It doesn’t mean that they absolutely love every second of it. There are aspects that even they do not like about their work.”

“Look at it this way, let’s say, every job has two aspects:

1. ‘I have arrived’ – These are the moments when we absolutely love our work and feel we are at the ‘right place’ at the ‘right time’. These can typically be after we achieve some kind of success or receive recognition from others on our work etc. I am just giving guidance; details can vary by the specifics of the job.

2. ‘Drudgery’ – These are the moments when we are doing the day-today creation of reports or documents, paper pushing, cold calls etc. In essence, these are tasks, we ideally would not like to have in our jobs but from a logical perspective, we can appreciate why they are there. Again, the specifics can vary by nature of the job.”

“Now, the ratio of time spent in ‘I have arrived’ vis-a-vis ‘Drudgery’ in a normal office job can be say 20-30%: 70-80%. It might even vary within the same job as well, again depends on the job. What is highly unlikely is that it will ever become 100/0%. People in office jobs tend to assume that people who are self-employed, for instance, artists, sportsmen, business owners etc. have this as 100/0%, which is really not true. In fact, if you decide to give up your office job to pursue your passion and establish yourself in that area, the ratio at first will go even more unfavorable from 20-30%: 70-80% to something like 0-10%: 90-100% in addition to the loss of security and comfort of a salaried job. And unconsciously most people know that within, and this keeps them from taking the plunge even if they like certain areas. Yes, with time if you continue to persist and become successful in your area, you might be able to bring that ratio to 40-70%: 30-60%. So, in summary, we have massive contradictions within our own beliefs around this topic.” “You may have an area of interest, but you need to fight for it and be at it despite the initial setbacks. You will not like it most of the time when you start, but overall, once you dig deeper into the area and produce results, you hit the momentum and start to enjoy it more. Keep at it for years and you achieve mastery. It still doesn’t mean that you will love every second of it. It only means that you went past the stuff that you didn’t like, without stopping.”

Figure 13: The Mastery formula

“Ron, you have a choice. You can either wait for something to drive you or you can choose to bring your drive to something. The difference between champions and others is the ability to continue doing what they are supposed to do even on days they don’t feel like it. I absolutely love this anecdote about a legendary violinist. After one of his concerts, he was confronted by a woman who told him, ‘Oh, I would give my life to play the way you do!’ He looked at her, smiled and said, ‘I did!’ We will talk more about this mastery formula in the coming days.”

“You have a choice. You can either wait for something to drive you or you can choose to bring your drive to something.”

“Ron, can I change the topic and ask you something along a different area in your life. I am just trying to understand your situation better.”

“Sure, go ahead!”

“When you know that relationships bring a lot of meaning to one’s life, why are you still single?”

“Well, I have met many girls over all these years, just that I did not find the right one and whenever I did, it was not a mutual click.”

“Ok, let’s try to understand this! In my understanding of relationships, there are two key rules:

1. To attract someone into your life, you need to either be like them or be like someone they aspire to be

2. To sustain a healthy relationship, you need to give more than you receive

“I don’t mean to be harsh but in your case, we can work on both the areas. You tend to like girls who have few reasons to like you in return, leaving you feeling bad and wallowing in self-pity, your helplessness hobby, I told you about. Also, your current level of emptiness does not seem to be a good starting point for a healthy relationship. Most people want relationships to get something out of them and to feel complete. In my view, that’s exactly the formula to create an unfulfilling relationship. Remember, two negatives do not add up to a positive. They add up to something even more negative than each of the two individually.”

“Two negatives do not add up to a positive, they add up to something even more negative than each of the two individually.”

“Ok Ron+, so what do you suggest I do?” “Ron, you have come this far in your life and have done a good job. How about moving to the next level and becoming the person who would naturally attract everything you want effortlessly? It is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be. How about rewriting your life story?”

“It is never too late to become the person you always wanted to be.”

“Sure! Sounds great! How do we start?”

“Great! The first step in the journey from Ron to Ron+ is to get interested in becoming Ron+. You have gotten there, I think. You can visualize your target state and I assume it drives you enough to go through the pain that you will experience on the way.”

“Sure, you can say that!”

The two smile at each other.

“The second step is to start living an obsession to improve the results you produce in every life area and enhance its overall quality. This entails understanding the time-tested principles, tools and strategies and implementing them consistently.”

“Based on my extensive reading and discussions with people who achieved tremendous success in their lives – and by success – I do not mean material things, I mean overall sense of well-being and fulfilment, I could appreciate the assertion that: ‘Our Inner World shapes our Outer World’. This is the single most important insight from the world of self-help and personal development. Every day, while we see more people redefine the word ‘impossible’, it is ironical how most people still do not practise even the most basic principles from the science of achievement.”

“Our ‘Inner World’ shapes our ‘Outer World’. This is the single most important insight from the world of self-help and personal development.”

“We cannot always control our ‘Outer World’ – Our bodies change, the economies change, people change, ups and downs are a part of life – But what we can almost always control is the meaning we assign to whatever happens. That brief moment between – when we get to know of an event and when we decide what it means to us, is the moment of the ‘I’ – and that is our free will at play! For most people who are not aware or are not trained at it, this process is so unconscious and rapid that they might even find it difficult to believe that it can be changed. On your journey to transformation, you will have to be actively conscious of this process throughout. We will talk about this in detail in the coming days.”

“That brief moment between – when we get to know of an event and when we decide what it means to us, is the moment of the ‘I’ – That is our free will at play!”

“Sure, please tell me more about how we can master our inner worlds.”

“There are three key areas that we need to strive towards mastering within our inner worlds. The progress made in each of the areas feeds into the others. Once sufficient momentum is created, no matter where we are currently in our lives, we can take ourselves to the next level.”

Figure 14: Begin with ‘I’ framework

“The eight elements within this framework are not new to you. You are already using them currently, just that it might not be in a way that can produce highest levels of joy and fulfilment. In the way you use them currently, they might be in conflict with each other or not fully aligned to function together effectively. Becoming aware of this and understanding specific tools and strategies for each element can help you streamline your energies and become that one invincible force that will achieve whatever it sets its mind on. As William James said, ‘Each of us has resources of which we never dreamed.’ He claimed that an average individual develops less than 10% of his brain cells and less than 30% of his possible physical efficiency.”

“It starts from understanding your own individuality. Know who you are! If you watch people around you closely, you will find that most of us react to situations in predetermined ways rather than assessing each situation independently to decide what is it that we want from the situation. We react based on regrets from the past or fears for the future. The more we understand ourselves, the better we can respond to situations and turn them into becoming favorable to us.”

“Most of us react to situations in predetermined ways rather than assessing each situation independently to decide what is it that we want from the situation.”

“There are three elements within Individuality:”

Figure 15: Elements within ‘Individuality’

“Let’s take the analogy of a car. The elements within ‘Individuality’ are like brakes, especially self-image. I see people tirelessly pushing themselves to accelerate, still unable to understand why they are not able to speed off to achieve all that they desire. The truth is that most people are driving with their brakes on. This is at varying degrees for different people but most of us have them on. Any small change made in this area will have a significant impact in the acceleration that we can experience.”

“Most people are driving with their brakes on.”

“Once you do a one-time assessment of your Individuality, we will work on this together in the coming days, the next pillar is ‘Inspiration’. This pillar is about creating larger goals and objectives for yourself, that is, your vision for life. Getting inspired enables us to find the inner strength that is already within us and tap into it consistently so that we can continue to enrich our lives while contributing to others.”

“‘Getting inspired’ enables us to find the inner strength that is already within us and tap into it consistently so that we can continue to enrich our lives while contributing to others.”

“There are two elements within ‘Inspiration’:”

Figure 16: Elements within ‘Inspiration’

“In the car analogy, ‘Inspiration’ is like acceleration. The more inspired you are, the more thrust you feel towards your goals. Inspiration brings ‘pull’ motivation in your life. It has been empirically demonstrated that ‘pull’ motivation tends to be more effective than ‘push’ motivation. Going forward, even the corporates will have to realize this and change their compensation structures. As the nature of work continues to become less routine and more creative, ‘push’ motivation will seem to work lesser and lesser. If you ever tried pushing yourself to do a creative task with a deadline, you will know what I am talking about. Anyway, we will discuss this in detail later. Let’s get back to the framework. This also is a one-time exercise since you have never done it before. We will be working on it together in the coming days. Of course, with time, you will keep updating your goals as you progress along your journey.”

“Once you have a realistic assessment of where you are and where you want to be, it is time for execution, that is, time to demonstrate ‘Intensity’. This pillar covers the energy and discipline that you can bring to your journey.”

“There are three elements within ‘Intensity’:”

Figure 17: Elements within ‘Intensity’

“In our car analogy, ‘Intensity’ refers to the overall functioning right from the horse power that the engine generates to the harmony with which the various mechanisms coordinate with each other, to enable a smooth and comfortable car ride.” “Once you master these three pillars, you can be sure that you will progress towards the goals that you set for yourself, no matter what the external situation looks like. Sometimes it is favorable, some other times, not so much. But each time, you will acknowledge it as feedback, and not definite success or failure. Life is long Ron, it is a bit like in military – you don’t have to win every battle to win the war.”

“Life is long Ron, it is a bit like in military – you don’t have to win every battle to win the war.”

“We will talk in more detail about each of these eight elements in the coming days. I will give you three to four key principles for each element that I have found to be the most fundamental ones. Once you understand them well, you will undergo a shift in your psychology and will be ready for your transformation from Ron to Ron+. As Anthony Robbins says, ‘80 percent of anything in life is psychology; the rest 20 percent is mechanics’. After discussing the principles, we will work together on some exercises that are quite easy to do even in your busy life and will get you started on the path to your transformation.”

“Sure, makes sense. Thank you, Ron+!”

“I hope I made sense! Ron, I don’t expect you to start believing all that I tell you right away. I fully appreciate that it is difficult to accept new beliefs just because someone else tells you to. I will give you the opportunity to try them out for yourself and decide how you feel about them. From my experience, I can tell you this – If you apply the techniques well, you will experience life at a level from where you would not like to come back.”

“If you apply the techniques well, you will experience life at a level from where you would not like to come back.”

With this, it becomes time to call it a day. This time, Ron ensures that he keeps the alarm clock at a good enough distance that he is unable to reach it without getting out of bed.