Chapter 4 - How You See Yourself? (Self-Image, Day 2) Part-2 | Begin with “I” by Rohit Sethi - Self Help Learning PDF Download

Principle 2: An adequate self-image is a requirement for happy and fulfilling life; to individuals with inadequate self-image, the world can be a frightening place

“Ron, it is well-established that to live a life that is reasonably happy and satisfying, an adequate self-image is a key requirement. It is also wellestablished now that in case of a person with inadequate self-image, the world can seem to be a frightening place.”

“What do you mean by an inadequate self-image? Can you give some examples?”

“Sure, in fact, let me summarize a few characteristics of people with inadequate self-image and I am sure, you would be able to immediately relate to what I am talking about:

• They get jealous quite easily
• They get quite critical and angry when offered feedback
• They tend to take everything personally
• They lack social skills and self-confidence
• They are often uncomfortable when they are alone
• They dress poorly and do not take good care of their health
• They blame something or someone else most of the time
• They spread fear on how uncertain and unfair the world is
• They don’t expect much out of life”

“Yes! I guess I know a few people like that. How about the concept of ‘self-esteem’? Is it related to ‘self-image’?”

“Yes it is. In simplest terms, ‘self-esteem’ can be defined as the health of our mind. Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a leading authority on the subject of self-image, calls self-esteem to be ‘your reputation with yourself ’. To relate the two, you can say that someone with a healthy self-image will have a high self-esteem and also higher self-confidence in general.”

“Sure, understand!”

“People with high self-esteem are usually strong and secure and can admit that they are wrong when they make mistakes. And to clarify, high self-esteem does not certainly mean that these people will always win. It means that they will certainly give their best in everything they do. These people do not take things personally. As Alan Watts said, ‘Angels fly because they take themselves lightly’”

“High self-esteem does not certainly mean that these people will always win; it means that they will certainly give their best in everything they do.”

“Ron+, don’t you think that there are more people around with inadequate self-image and the ones with adequate are few and far between. How would you explain that?”

“You can say that! Ron, understand that there are two truths simultaneously operating in this world:

(i) It is a basic human need to crave appreciation – Numerous authors have been writing about this since ages. As Mark Twain said, ‘I can live on a compliment for 30 days’. As William James said, ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated’. We don’t really need to be a psychologist or a philosopher to understand this. We are humans. We experience it in our lives all the time. We feel good when someone appreciates us for something we say or do. Period!

(ii) We live in a negative society that makes it tough for people to develop healthy self-image – It is bit unfortunate that the society we live in constantly reinforces our inadequacy more than the adequacy. Most marketing is based on convincing people of the ‘issues’ with them and how they need to be ‘fixed’ rather than positive communication around potential opportunities to live more enriched lives. Additionally, the media supports instilling more fear than optimism by constantly highlighting negative news more than positive ones. These tend to create a general philosophy around ‘life is a zero-sum game’ or ‘your win is my loss’ rather than ‘the pie continues to grow’ and ‘there is enough for everybody’”

“The coexistence of these truths leads to a rather ironical situation where all people crave appreciation, however, they are not able to give it freely to each other owing to lack of an adequate self-esteem within themselves, thereby creating an overall scarcity of something that is so vital to our existence as human beings.”

“Sure, I can appreciate that! But Ron+, people with high self-esteem typically come across as arrogant and narcissistic and are not liked by many people around, isn’t that true?”

“Ron, the world in general does not clearly understand the distinction between ‘loving yourself ’ and ‘being in love with yourself ’. It is essential that people love themselves in order for them to function at their best selves and constantly strive to improve further. Only once you have something with you, can you share it with others. In fact, people are like mangoes, squeeze them and you can only get what’s already inside!”

“People in general confuse ‘loving yourself ’ and ‘being in love with yourself’”

Figure 19: People are like mangoes

“Ron+, tell me more about the people with high self-esteem.”

“People with high self-esteem are more open and honest about themselves. They own all their results so there is not much to hide. Also, since they love themselves, they do not like producing average results. So, they push themselves harder each time to get the best results they can. In the process, they discover and begin to appreciate the power of causality, that is, your results are proportional to your effort.”

“But Ron+, is it always true that our results are proportional to our effort?”

“Well, it might not always be apparent in the short-term, but in the longterm, yes, it is true. From the frame of reference of these people, talking about results is just fine as everyone should principally own their results. Other people though, who don’t own their results and live in ‘complainand-blame’ mode, tend to take it as these people being judgmental and impressing their superiority over others. The truth is that once one discovers causality in their life, the first thing they will find to be absolutely futile is spending time judging others.”

“Once one discovers causality in their life, the first thing they will find to be absolutely futile is spending time judging others.”

“When you start to love yourself, that is, you fully accept yourself and are happy in your skin, your temperament towards other people changes. You are always nice to them, making them like you more in return. There is a multiplier effect that gets initiated. Haven’t you experienced this on some days when you are genuinely happy about some success or achievement in your life? Or on days when you wake up in an upbeat mood and feel like being nice to everyone around and are more productive at work. You feel good about life and everything it has to offer. It’s one of those days when you feel you are in the right place at the right time.”

“Narcissism, on the other hand, is being so much in love with yourself that you start to harm others to serve your own interests. It requires a full shift in the value system and can be a case of loving oneself that has been taken to dysfunctional levels. Ron, you don’t have to become a narcissist to choose nutrient-rich salads over fast food for your daily meals, or to choose exercising over watching television, or to choose quitting smoking over having a pack of cigarettes a day. We make these choices all the time. Let me not even call them ‘better’ choices. Let me just say that high self-esteem people make choices that are more aligned with how they want to be. Others though might be wishing for different results, their choices do not fully indicate that, which is then clearly visible in their current situations.”

“You don’t have to become a narcissist to choose nutrient-rich salads over fast food for your daily meals, or to choose exercising over watching television, or to choose quitting smoking over having a pack of cigarettes a day.”

“Ron+, I feel some positive changes now with social media. People seem to be more comfortable with being open and are expressing themselves more!”

“The world is changing rapidly with significant rise in the level of individuality. The nature of work is moving from more routine to less routine, from more algorithmic to more heuristic-based, from more structured to more creative. This trend started to emerge when we moved from ‘industrial age’ to ‘information age’. In the industrial age, the output per worker could be the same and not be impacted by how the workers felt about themselves. In the information age, as the output started to be linked to individual excellence, individuals with relatively higher self-esteem started to do better as they produced better results individually and were more comfortable in group settings as well.”

“From the information age, we seem to be moving into what I would call the ‘individuality age’ or ‘the age of the individual’. People are increasingly finding it perfectly normal to accept themselves more openly. On the work front, the ability to ‘quickly act, fail, get up, act again’, will continue to become more of a key competitive advantage, bringing increased attention to the underlying quality that makes this competitive advantage possible. And this underlying quality is a healthy self-image. Individuals with relatively higher self-esteem are perfectly fine with continued experimentation and are not scared to fail. They take results as feedback and continue rather than taking them as full and final failure. In this ‘age of the selfies’ with higher visibility and opportunity to express our individuality, having a healthy self-esteem will not just be a luxury but rather become a necessity.” 

“In this ‘age of the selfies’ with higher visibility and opportunity to express our individuality, having a healthy self-esteem will not just be a luxury but rather become a necessity.”

“Sure. This is a different perspective. I appreciate that!”

“On a personal level, the number of options available will continue to explode. Right from what toothpaste to buy to what career to pursue, people will be required to demonstrate more customized decision-making. This can only happen once people learn to move away from the herd mentality and begin to understand themselves and their uniqueness. This requires a high self-esteem. People with low self-esteem will tend to seem more confused, dissatisfied and unfulfilled no matter what choices they make.”

“I can imagine!”

Principle 3: We rarely achieve more than we think we are capable of

“Research over the years has consistently indicated that one rarely achieves more than one thinks himself or herself to be capable of. Ron, do you know why most people do not have a lot of money?”

“Not really, tell me!”

“Because they do not feel too good about it and are somehow convinced that they cannot have it. It is the same for our relationships and associations. People usually feel most comfortable associating with people having similar levels of self-esteem. In company of people with high self-esteem, people with low self-esteem typically feel that they are made to feel inferior, when actually people with high-esteem have no such intentions. They are just being themselves. It is the low self-esteem mind that points out the inadequacies in its own self and chooses to feel inferior. A person with high self-esteem is immediately able to recognize that the other has low selfesteem, owing to the excessive neediness and the need for approval that they exhibit. However, they continue to provide the approvals and assurance if they like the person. The person with low self-esteem constantly struggles to believe in the association, wondering how it can be true, so in the back of their mind, they plan to sabotage it to verify their own self-image. With time, even if the relationship is fine, the person with low self-esteem does things, consciously or unconsciously, that would eventually sabotage the relationship.”

“People usually feel most comfortable hanging around people with similar levels of self-esteem.”

“Yes. I can relate to it in context of some people that I have known. So what happens next?”

“The low self-esteem person might be successful in avoiding further interactions with this high self-esteem person and labeling him or her as ‘narcissist’ or ‘self-obsessed’. The unfortunate part, however, is that this reactive response does not do them any good. What happens when the low self-esteem person meets another high self-esteem person? The low selfesteem person again goes into that reactive response and the whole cycle repeats, each time further reinforcing their low self-esteem by sabotaging the relationship. And the worst part is this – at a conscious level, they do not even know that they do this to themselves.”

“I understand. What about people who genuinely try to show off their superiority?”

“The cases where some people genuinely try to show off their superiority are in reality, cases of low self-esteem people who develop this as a coping mechanism to find a way to feel good about them.”

“So Ron+, what would you suggest is a better response in such cases?”

“A more conscious response would be to objectively assess why you feel inferior to another person. What does that person have, that you would like to have, to be able to be ‘natural’ or ‘normal’ around them? Such positive response will serve you well as you will be on your way to increase your selfesteem learning directly from the people who have succeeded in getting what you want. In fact, this is the typical response from a person with high self-esteem. They instantly connect with other people with high self-esteem and instead of getting jealous or feeling inferior, they take the opportunity to seek direct mentorship from them.”

“You can either choose to be jealous of successful people or seek mentorship from them. The choice is really yours!”

“Yes, I think I have seen similar patterns at work as well, where people with low self-esteem sabotage their chances of moving ahead.”

“The same pattern runs in our jobs at the time for promotions. When people within themselves do not feel worthy of a promotion though externally they fight for it, closer to the assessment, their actions sabotage their chances of promotion, even if they were actually going to be given one. At that point, they rationalize to themselves saying, ‘I knew that I didn’t deserve it!’”

“That is why self-image is such a critical concept and we spend so much time discussing it. Even if we get more than what we think we deserve, we will end up losing it. If we take all the money in the world and divide it equally among every person alive, very soon the money will be back into the hands of the same people who currently have it.”

“If we take all the money in the world and divide it equally among every person alive, very soon the money will be back into the hands of the same people who currently have it.”

“That is interesting! How do you explain that?”

“I do not mean to indicate that the ones who have the money are cunning or manipulative, but rather, that they are more tuned into abundance than other people. They realize that one attracts prosperity by becoming a certain type of person. A common characteristic of these people is that they always felt abundant even when they didn’t have the money they have now. They always felt there was enough for everyone. They first became prosperous in their minds before they attracted it into their lives.”

“So, where do you think the issue is? Where do others get stuck?”

“For everything that we cannot do, we have an explanation about how we tried it in the past and it did not work or how it did not work for others and hence it would not work for us. Over the years, we live this explanation. What we fail to realize is that this explanation is the only thing that stops us from achieving what we want. If we can change it, we can change the results we create in our lives. Successful people create explanations that empower them. And think about this: Who do you base your explanations on? Do you base them on people who succeeded or people who could not? Most often, you base it on people who did not succeed. But hold on, did you not want to succeed? How come your explanations came from people who did not? I will tell you why. Because it was convenient to continue staying in your comfort zone and not make the extra effort required for success. We simply adopt explanations that cater to our mind’s need to rationalize everything.”

“People borrow more of their reasons from people who did not succeed than the ones who did.”

“Wow! This is interesting. What can be done instead?”

“Be unreasonable Ron! Set high standards and then go full speed meeting and exceeding them. This is what champions are about. These are the people who bring about a change in the world. As George Bernard Shaw said, ‘The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man’”

Principle 4: Our self-esteem is like money in our bank accounts; it increases when we make deposits and reduces when we make claims: The key is to constantly make additions

“At any point in time, we have a certain balance that defines our level of self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are typically so risk averse that they continue to live in their comfort zones so safely that they hardly make any deposits or withdrawals. That is exactly the reason why they continue to remain stuck there. People with high self-esteem are typically risk takers and do things that others fear or they themselves feared till some time ago. These activities continue to add to their high self-esteem. This is one of the potential explanations for why successful people become more successful while people who feel stuck continue to be that way.”

“How can one increase one’s self-esteem?”

“Although it might seem to be that way, the truth is that we do not gain positive self-esteem by others approving of us. Others approving of us are temporary credits to increase our balance for couple of hours or days or weeks, and then wear off. The only real impact comes from doing things we have deemed ourselves incapable of, so far.”

“Although it might seem to be that way, the truth is that we do not gain positive self-esteem by others approving of us.”

“Now that we are done with the principles, let’s work together on a couple of exercises that can be used to enhance one’s self-image.” 

Exercise 1: Baseline your self-image: Things you like about yourself

“Since this is the first time you are doing this, we will establish the baseline. With time, our goal will be to enhance this baseline. Why don’t you take some time and make a list of hundred things that you like about yourself? And squeeze them all into one sheet of paper please!”

“Hundred! Ron+, that sounds a lot! I think it’s impossible!”

Ron+ smiles, “Ron, you clearly do not seem to like yourself much, do you?”

Ron smiles back. He gets Ron+’s drift and begins to write down his points:

1.  I like my education
2.  I like my fitness level
3.  I like my smile
4.  I like that I contribute towards voluntary charitable activities in my office
5.  I like that my parents are proud of me

…

…
31. I like that most people in my office like me

Thirty one items and Ron has exhausted all he could think of. “See, I told you hundred will be really tough!”

“You not only told me, you also told your brain that hundred will be tough. No matter how many there actually are, your brain was not going to give you hundred! That’s the point of this exercise that you are really stretched to think hard and dig deeper into the many things you like about yourself. You should be feeling gratitude for these things. Now come on and be a sport. Tell your mind that it is possible and direct it to give you hundred!”

Ron starts to write the hundred things down.  Ron+ peacefully sits back with a smile on his face. He is seeing Ron struggle to find hundred things that he likes about himself in thirty years of a lifetime. It takes Ron an hour to complete the exercise finally.

“Wow, I never imagined writing hundred things I like about myself would be so tough!”

“Ron, now that you have it in your hand, how do you feel, when you look at this sheet of paper?”

“It makes me feel good! I feel I have not been too bad with my life so far!”

“Great! Now ensure you put this on your bathroom mirror so you can look at it first thing every morning to give a positive start to your day. Remember Ron, our true measure of progress can only come from how far we have come from where we started. It is about how much more we have become. There are no defined starting and ending points in life. Everyone’s journey is different, and hence it is absolutely ridiculous to compare yourself to others to measure your progress.”

“Our true measure of progress can only come from how far we have come from where we started.”

Exercise 2: Design the leap to next level: Things you would like to do

“Ron, make a list of twenty-five things that you do not really like about yourself or that you want to but think you cannot do.”

“Ah, this sounds bit negative, why do you want me to make this list?”

“As we discussed, the only way to build lasting self-esteem is to do things that you have deemed impossible so far. Two things happen when you do what you deemed impossible:

1.  You get a sense of personal victory for having done something you imagined you could never do
2.  In the process of doing these things, you exhibit a level of selfdiscipline or courage that you thought was impossible for you”

“Your self-esteem plays a key role in what you deem possible for yourself. With some of these things done, you can push the limit of your idea of ‘possible’ a bit further.”

“With some of these things done, you can push the limit of your idea of ‘possible’ a bit further.”

“That makes sense!” 

Ron begins to write. This time he is way faster than he was the last time. Of course, Ron’s hobby is to focus on things he doesn’t like or he doesn’t have. Since it is only twenty-five things, Ron finishes in less than ten minutes. The list looks like this:

1. I want to attract the kind of life partner I wish for myself
2. I feel stuck and bored at work
3. I want to give up my addiction to coffee
4. I can never do adventure sports

…

...
25. I can never do a wildlife safari

“Okay, good job Ron! Now, let us design a leap in your level of selfesteem. We will work on developing a roadmap to do as many of these activities successfully as we can in the next twelve months, but before we get there, a key insight for our way there – we need to travel light!”

Exercise 3: Lighten your backpack: Drop the regrets, they tire you out

“‘Travel light’ is a common best practice from the lives of people who travel a lot. Nothing tires you out more than lugging stuff that you do not need. Is it not similar to life? Look at people around you. Don’t we all carry baggage from our past all the time? Of course there are learnings, but once we internalize them, do we really need to carry the rest of the stuff?”

“Life is all about making choices. We make hundreds of them every day. We made some in the past that did not necessarily give us the outcomes we expected and left us with what we call ‘regrets’. If we rank the feelings that stop people from realizing their full potentials and from living their lives at the highest level of richness, ‘regret’ would be number two, with ‘fear’ being the all-time number one. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, ‘Fear defeats more people than any other one thing in the world’”

“If we were to rank the feelings that stop people from realizing their full potentials and from living their lives at the highest level of richness, ‘regret’ would be number two, with ‘fear’ being the alltime number one.”

“I have some of it and I know most people have it. How can people get rid of this baggage, Ron+?”

“Ron, people move around with these massive assumptions on how their lives would have been drastically different, or you can say better, if they had made different choices back then. Now, they are so convinced that they missed the bus and that there is no point trying anymore in this life. They want to sit around and wallow in self-pity. What they do not realize is that they can get rid of these bags in seconds, the moment they make a shift in their minds. They need to appreciate that they failed at nothing. They just produced some results, which they can consider as failure or feedback depending on how they want to look at it.”

“Forgive yourself and life for all that happened. It was a part of your life journey that was essential to give you the learnings you needed to reach this point. There are no mistakes in the universe. The only reason we call them ‘mistakes’ is because we assigned that meaning to them. Always remember that regret and resentment are like acids, the thing they cause most damage to, is the container that stores them. As Nelson Mandela said, ‘Having resentment in your soul is like drinking poison and hoping your enemy will die’”

“Our relationships continue to follow similar patterns as well. Each time, we tend to end up with similar results in our relationships. We are not able to start afresh in a new one as we carry considerable baggage from previous ones and do not give the new person a fair chance to be fully natural with us.”

“Ron, let’s do another exercise. Write down the five worst mistakes you made in the past, or you can say,  five of your biggest regrets in life.”

“Sure!”

Ron makes a list of the following five regrets:

1. I did not go to USA to study further
2. I did not start a business after MBA even when I had everything ready
3. I did not accept a great opportunity to change my job into a highgrowth industry
4. I chased after the girl I liked and scared her away
5. I did not invest in a house when the market was down

Ron+ again witnesses that it did not take Ron a lot of time to come up with this list. But he is not surprised. Ron+ realizes how it is perfectly fine for untrained minds to focus on the negatives.

“So, how do you feel when you focus on this list?”

“To be honest, I don’t feel too good! Although it doesn’t happen every day, I tend to be reminded of one or more of these on an on-and-off basis.”

“That’s understandable. And I also understand what you see as regret now, might have been the best decision at that point in time, that’s why you took it. Do you agree with me?”

“Yes, in a way, that is true. More than just me deciding, the overall context somehow was geared towards me taking that decision.”

“Now, against each of these regrets, write down two to three good things that happened because of taking that decision.”

Ron takes a while and fills out his responses:

Table 2:  Ron’s regrets and the corresponding good things 

“How do you feel Ron, now that you have written the good things?” “Better, like it was all not too bad!”

“Ron, do you know what my first observation was about your list? Can you guess?”

“I don’t think I can! Please tell me!”

“All of these things can still be done. It might not be the same business, job, house or girl, but you can get other similar or even more suitable this time around!”

“It might not be the same business, job, house or girl, but you can get other similar or even more suitable this time around!”

“Wow! Let me check. Ron+ you are right! I never looked at it this way.”

“Ron, you are just 30. You already talk as if the world is going to end. Clearly, you have not been hanging out with positive people. And even if you were 40 or 50, all of these are still possible. Now that you see them in a new light, let’s do something that will make you close these negatives for good. Take this piece of paper and physically burn it, like you are announcing to your mind that these topics have been closed for ever and it should not surface them again.”

Figure 20: Burning the regrets

Ron does as suggested. In the process, he feels much lighter than he ever felt before.

Exercise 4: Take the leap to next level

“Ron, most people feel that they do not have the courage to do certain things. But when they start doing them, and succeed, they realize it wasn’t that bad and in fact, they were able to do them easily. This is the irony Ron! Fear is only on this side. Once you cross over, you leave fear behind.”

“Fear is only on this side. Once you cross over, you leave fear behind.”

Figure 21: Leaving the fear behind

“Now that we have identified these activities, let us create a roadmap to accomplish them in the next twelve months. To do that, I have classified your activities into the following four groups:”

Table 3: Activities to enhance Ron’s self-image

“Well, in your case, since you do not have a goal saying you want to win a triathlon or something, we don’t have anything for group D. Agree?”

“Sure, fair enough!”

“Let’s look at your items in group A first:

• I want to give up my addiction for coffee – Take tomorrow as your last day with coffee. Have as much as you want! We will create a plan for you to quit coffee for fifteen days at least, and then you can decide if you want to continue or get back to coffee.  Fifteen days is nothing in your entire life, so it shouldn’t be a big deal! Trust me, you won’t die!

“Fifteen days is nothing in your entire life, so it shouldn’t be a big deal! Trust me, you won’t die!”

• I feel stuck and bored at work – For this, we can do two things. First, as we do more sessions in the coming days, you will be able to change your perception of your job. I suggest you keep this one open and start work on it in two weeks. Second, once you are able to view your job in a new light, you will find it easy to work on aspects such as how to spend more time on activities you find meaningful and fulfilling and less time on activities you feel drain you of your energy or are not the best use of your time. Try either of the following with these activities, as it seems most feasible in your context:
• Eliminate them altogether if possible
• Automate them
• Delegate them”

Next, they look at group B and create a plan for Ron to start off with adventure sports, particularly with the easier ones within three months and then gradually move to tougher ones within twelve months. The same exercise is repeated for group C.

“Ron, as you keep conquering these things one by one, you will start to experience an increase in your overall self-esteem. It will continue to grow exponentially and you will be amazed at your progress. You will look back and wonder why you were stuck there for so long, feeling grateful that you started, realizing that it was only the first steps that were the toughest to take.”

“You will look back and wonder why you were stuck there for so long, feeling grateful that you started, and realizing that it was only the first steps that were the toughest to take.”

Exercise 5: Once this iteration becomes natural, start all over again

“Once you get done with this list, the overall objective is to keep adding new activities to your life to continue enriching your self-image.”

“Doing affirmations also helps enhance one’s self-image. You can continue to do them throughout, in addition to the exercises. Out of the two options of saying them in the mind or saying them out aloud, I suggest

you make time to do the latter, unless you absolutely cannot, owing to your contextual constraints. Saying affirmations out loud does two things at the same time: (i) you say something you typically don’t say to yourself and (ii) you hear something you typically don’t hear.  It is like reprogramming your mind and body with new information. Yes, body too, as you are using your physical muscles when you say them aloud!”

“Saying affirmations out loud does two things at the same time: (i) you say something you typically don’t say to yourself and (ii) you hear something you typically don’t hear.”

“Ron, with this, we have come to close of the first day where we discussed Self-image, the first element within Individuality. This was a long session with elaborate exercises as this is the most critical element in anyone’s transformation. Even a small improvement in this element creates a ripple of positive impacts across all life areas.” “I fully understand!  Thank you, Ron+!”