Page 1
If I Were You / 109
B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD
• Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a
criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard
and take on his identity. Does he succeed?
• The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you
know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given,
to find out.
cultured an informal expression for a
fashionable vehicle
count on unnecessary and usually harmful
engaged exaggerated
melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered
to be smart here, a tone of voice
inflection avoid
wise guy an unexpected opportunity for
success
a dandy bus trap
tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who
teaches on Sundays in Church
gratuitous (American English) a person who
pretends to know a lot
dodge depend on; rely on
lucky break (American English) an informal way
of saying that one is being too clever
Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy
frame merchants
SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which
may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The
furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or
two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone.
9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou
2024-25 2024-25
Page 2
If I Were You / 109
B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD
• Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a
criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard
and take on his identity. Does he succeed?
• The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you
know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given,
to find out.
cultured an informal expression for a
fashionable vehicle
count on unnecessary and usually harmful
engaged exaggerated
melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered
to be smart here, a tone of voice
inflection avoid
wise guy an unexpected opportunity for
success
a dandy bus trap
tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who
teaches on Sundays in Church
gratuitous (American English) a person who
pretends to know a lot
dodge depend on; rely on
lucky break (American English) an informal way
of saying that one is being too clever
Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy
frame merchants
SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which
may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The
furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or
two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone.
9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou
2024-25 2024-25
110 / Beehive
(When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone
call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He
is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.)
GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know...
Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on
that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye.
(He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there
is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another
man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver
in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps
accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.)
GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er—
INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be
pleased for long. Put those paws up!
GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps,
but…
INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er—
GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think.
INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you
crawl. I want to know a few things, see.
You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl.
2024-25 2024-25
Page 3
If I Were You / 109
B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD
• Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a
criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard
and take on his identity. Does he succeed?
• The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you
know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given,
to find out.
cultured an informal expression for a
fashionable vehicle
count on unnecessary and usually harmful
engaged exaggerated
melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered
to be smart here, a tone of voice
inflection avoid
wise guy an unexpected opportunity for
success
a dandy bus trap
tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who
teaches on Sundays in Church
gratuitous (American English) a person who
pretends to know a lot
dodge depend on; rely on
lucky break (American English) an informal way
of saying that one is being too clever
Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy
frame merchants
SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which
may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The
furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or
two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone.
9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou
2024-25 2024-25
110 / Beehive
(When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone
call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He
is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.)
GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know...
Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on
that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye.
(He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there
is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another
man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver
in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps
accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.)
GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er—
INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be
pleased for long. Put those paws up!
GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps,
but…
INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er—
GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think.
INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you
crawl. I want to know a few things, see.
You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl.
2024-25 2024-25
If I Were You / 111
GERRARD : Anything you like. I know all the answers. But before we
begin I should like to change my position; you may be
comfortable, but I am not.
INTRUDER : Sit down there, and no funny business. (Motions to a
chair, and seats himself on the divan by the bag.) Now
then, we’ll have a nice little talk about yourself!
GERRARD : At last a sympathetic audience! I’ll tell you the story of
my life. How as a child I was stolen by the gypsies, and
why at the age of thirty-two, I find myself in my lonely
Essex cottage, how...
INTRUDER : Keep it to yourself, and just answer my questions. You
live here alone? Well, do you?
GERRARD : I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me, not asking me.
A question of inflection; your voice is unfamiliar.
INTRUDER : (with emphasis) Do you live here alone?
GERRARD : And if I don’t answer?
INTRUDER : You’ve got enough sense not to want to get hurt.
GERRARD : I think good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid
pain than in the mere desire to do so. What do you think,
Mr— er—
INTRUDER : Never mind my name. I like yours better, Mr Gerrard.
What are your Christian names?
GERRARD : Vincent Charles.
INTRUDER : Do you run a car?
GERRARD : No.
INTRUDER : That’s a lie. You’re not dealing with a fool. I’m as smart
as you and smarter, and I know you run a car. Better be
careful, wise guy!
GERRARD : Are you American, or is that merely a clever imitation?
INTRUDER : Listen, this gun’s no toy. I can hurt you without killing
you, and still get my answers.
GERRARD : Of course, if you put it like that, I’ll be glad to assist you.
I do possess a car, and it’s in the garage round the corner.
INTRUDER : That’s better. Do people often come out here?
GERRARD : Very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to
visit me. There’s the baker and the greengrocer, of course;
and then there’s the milkman — quite charming, but no
one so interesting as yourself.
INTRUDER : I happen to know that you never see tradespeople.
2024-25 2024-25
Page 4
If I Were You / 109
B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD
• Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a
criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard
and take on his identity. Does he succeed?
• The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you
know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given,
to find out.
cultured an informal expression for a
fashionable vehicle
count on unnecessary and usually harmful
engaged exaggerated
melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered
to be smart here, a tone of voice
inflection avoid
wise guy an unexpected opportunity for
success
a dandy bus trap
tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who
teaches on Sundays in Church
gratuitous (American English) a person who
pretends to know a lot
dodge depend on; rely on
lucky break (American English) an informal way
of saying that one is being too clever
Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy
frame merchants
SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which
may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The
furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or
two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone.
9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou
2024-25 2024-25
110 / Beehive
(When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone
call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He
is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.)
GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know...
Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on
that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye.
(He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there
is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another
man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver
in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps
accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.)
GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er—
INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be
pleased for long. Put those paws up!
GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps,
but…
INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er—
GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think.
INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you
crawl. I want to know a few things, see.
You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl.
2024-25 2024-25
If I Were You / 111
GERRARD : Anything you like. I know all the answers. But before we
begin I should like to change my position; you may be
comfortable, but I am not.
INTRUDER : Sit down there, and no funny business. (Motions to a
chair, and seats himself on the divan by the bag.) Now
then, we’ll have a nice little talk about yourself!
GERRARD : At last a sympathetic audience! I’ll tell you the story of
my life. How as a child I was stolen by the gypsies, and
why at the age of thirty-two, I find myself in my lonely
Essex cottage, how...
INTRUDER : Keep it to yourself, and just answer my questions. You
live here alone? Well, do you?
GERRARD : I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me, not asking me.
A question of inflection; your voice is unfamiliar.
INTRUDER : (with emphasis) Do you live here alone?
GERRARD : And if I don’t answer?
INTRUDER : You’ve got enough sense not to want to get hurt.
GERRARD : I think good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid
pain than in the mere desire to do so. What do you think,
Mr— er—
INTRUDER : Never mind my name. I like yours better, Mr Gerrard.
What are your Christian names?
GERRARD : Vincent Charles.
INTRUDER : Do you run a car?
GERRARD : No.
INTRUDER : That’s a lie. You’re not dealing with a fool. I’m as smart
as you and smarter, and I know you run a car. Better be
careful, wise guy!
GERRARD : Are you American, or is that merely a clever imitation?
INTRUDER : Listen, this gun’s no toy. I can hurt you without killing
you, and still get my answers.
GERRARD : Of course, if you put it like that, I’ll be glad to assist you.
I do possess a car, and it’s in the garage round the corner.
INTRUDER : That’s better. Do people often come out here?
GERRARD : Very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to
visit me. There’s the baker and the greengrocer, of course;
and then there’s the milkman — quite charming, but no
one so interesting as yourself.
INTRUDER : I happen to know that you never see tradespeople.
2024-25 2024-25
112 / Beehive
GERRARD : You seem to have taken a considerable amount of trouble.
Since you know so much about me, won’t you say
something about yourself? You have been so modest.
INTRUDER : I could tell you plenty. You think you’re smart, but I’m
the top of the class round here. I’ve got brains and I use
them. That’s how I’ve got where I have.
GERRARD : And where precisely have you got? It didn’t require a
great brain to break into my little cottage.
INTRUDER : When you know why I’ve broken into your little cottage,
you’ll be surprised, and it won’t be a pleasant surprise.
GERRARD : With you figuring so largely in it, that is understandable.
By the way, what particular line of crime do you embrace,
or aren’t you a specialist?
INTRUDER : My speciality’s jewel robbery. Your car will do me a treat.
It’s certainly a dandy bus.
GERRARD : I’m afraid jewels are few and far between in the wilds of
Essex.
INTRUDER : So are the cops. I can retire here nicely for a little while.
GERRARD : You mean to live with me? A trifle sudden isn’t it; you’ve
not been invited.
INTRUDER : You won’t be here long; so I didn’t trouble to ask.
GERRARD : What do you mean?
INTRUDER : This is your big surprise. I’m going to kill you.
GERRARD : A little harsh, isn’t it?
INTRUDER : (with heavy sarcasm) Yeah, I’ll be sorry to do it. I’ve taken
a fancy to you, but it’s just got to be done.
GERRARD : Why add murder to your other crimes? It’s a grave step
you’re taking.
INTRUDER : I’m not taking it for fun. I’ve been hunted long enough.
I’m wanted for murder already, and they can’t hang me
twice.
GERRARD : You’re planning a gratuitous double, so to speak. Admitted
you’ve nothing to lose, but what have you to gain?
INTRUDER : I’ve got freedom to gain. As for myself, I’m a poor hunted
rat. As Vincent Charles Gerrard I’m free to go places and
do nothing. I can eat well and sleep and without having
to be ready to beat it at the sight of a cop.
GERRARD : In most melodramas the villain is foolish enough to delay
his killing long enough to be frustrated. You are much
luckier.
2024-25 2024-25
Page 5
If I Were You / 109
B B B B BEFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE EFORE Y Y Y Y YOU OU OU OU OU R R R R READ EAD EAD EAD EAD
• Gerrard lives alone in a lonely cottage. An intruder, who is a
criminal, enters his cottage. He intends to murder Gerrard
and take on his identity. Does he succeed?
• The following words and phrases occur in the play. Do you
know their meanings? Match them with the meanings given,
to find out.
cultured an informal expression for a
fashionable vehicle
count on unnecessary and usually harmful
engaged exaggerated
melodramatic sophisticated; well mannered
to be smart here, a tone of voice
inflection avoid
wise guy an unexpected opportunity for
success
a dandy bus trap
tradespeople a Christian religious teacher who
teaches on Sundays in Church
gratuitous (American English) a person who
pretends to know a lot
dodge depend on; rely on
lucky break (American English) an informal way
of saying that one is being too clever
Sunday-school teacher occupied; busy
frame merchants
SCENE: A small cottage interior. There is an entrance back right (which
may be curtained). Another door to the left must be a practical door. The
furniture is simple, consisting of a small table towards the left, a chair or
two, and a divan rather upstage on the right. On the table is a telephone.
9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I W 9. If I Were Y ere Y ere Y ere Y ere You ou ou ou ou
2024-25 2024-25
110 / Beehive
(When the curtain rises Gerrard is standing by the table making a phone
call. He is of medium height, and wearing horn-rimmed glasses ... He
is dressed in a lounge suit and a great coat. His voice is cultured.)
GERRARD : ... Well, tell him to phone up directly. I must know...
Yes, I expect I’ll still be here, but you mustn’t count on
that... In about ten minutes’ time. Right-ho. Goodbye.
(He puts down the phone and goes to the divan on the left, where there
is a travelling bag, and starts packing. Whilst he is thus engaged, another
man, similar in build to Gerrard enters from the right silently — revolver
in hand. He is flashily dressed in an overcoat and a soft hat. He bumps
accidentally against the table, and at the sound Gerrard turns quickly.)
GERRARD : (pleasantly) Why, this is a surprise, Mr— er—
INTRUDER : I’m glad you’re pleased to see me. I don’t think you’ll be
pleased for long. Put those paws up!
GERRARD : This is all very melodramatic, not very original, perhaps,
but…
INTRUDER : Trying to be calm and — er—
GERRARD : ‘Nonchalant’ is your word, I think.
INTRUDER : Thanks a lot. You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you
crawl. I want to know a few things, see.
You’ll soon stop being smart. I’ll make you crawl.
2024-25 2024-25
If I Were You / 111
GERRARD : Anything you like. I know all the answers. But before we
begin I should like to change my position; you may be
comfortable, but I am not.
INTRUDER : Sit down there, and no funny business. (Motions to a
chair, and seats himself on the divan by the bag.) Now
then, we’ll have a nice little talk about yourself!
GERRARD : At last a sympathetic audience! I’ll tell you the story of
my life. How as a child I was stolen by the gypsies, and
why at the age of thirty-two, I find myself in my lonely
Essex cottage, how...
INTRUDER : Keep it to yourself, and just answer my questions. You
live here alone? Well, do you?
GERRARD : I’m sorry. I thought you were telling me, not asking me.
A question of inflection; your voice is unfamiliar.
INTRUDER : (with emphasis) Do you live here alone?
GERRARD : And if I don’t answer?
INTRUDER : You’ve got enough sense not to want to get hurt.
GERRARD : I think good sense is shown more in the ability to avoid
pain than in the mere desire to do so. What do you think,
Mr— er—
INTRUDER : Never mind my name. I like yours better, Mr Gerrard.
What are your Christian names?
GERRARD : Vincent Charles.
INTRUDER : Do you run a car?
GERRARD : No.
INTRUDER : That’s a lie. You’re not dealing with a fool. I’m as smart
as you and smarter, and I know you run a car. Better be
careful, wise guy!
GERRARD : Are you American, or is that merely a clever imitation?
INTRUDER : Listen, this gun’s no toy. I can hurt you without killing
you, and still get my answers.
GERRARD : Of course, if you put it like that, I’ll be glad to assist you.
I do possess a car, and it’s in the garage round the corner.
INTRUDER : That’s better. Do people often come out here?
GERRARD : Very rarely. Surprisingly few people take the trouble to
visit me. There’s the baker and the greengrocer, of course;
and then there’s the milkman — quite charming, but no
one so interesting as yourself.
INTRUDER : I happen to know that you never see tradespeople.
2024-25 2024-25
112 / Beehive
GERRARD : You seem to have taken a considerable amount of trouble.
Since you know so much about me, won’t you say
something about yourself? You have been so modest.
INTRUDER : I could tell you plenty. You think you’re smart, but I’m
the top of the class round here. I’ve got brains and I use
them. That’s how I’ve got where I have.
GERRARD : And where precisely have you got? It didn’t require a
great brain to break into my little cottage.
INTRUDER : When you know why I’ve broken into your little cottage,
you’ll be surprised, and it won’t be a pleasant surprise.
GERRARD : With you figuring so largely in it, that is understandable.
By the way, what particular line of crime do you embrace,
or aren’t you a specialist?
INTRUDER : My speciality’s jewel robbery. Your car will do me a treat.
It’s certainly a dandy bus.
GERRARD : I’m afraid jewels are few and far between in the wilds of
Essex.
INTRUDER : So are the cops. I can retire here nicely for a little while.
GERRARD : You mean to live with me? A trifle sudden isn’t it; you’ve
not been invited.
INTRUDER : You won’t be here long; so I didn’t trouble to ask.
GERRARD : What do you mean?
INTRUDER : This is your big surprise. I’m going to kill you.
GERRARD : A little harsh, isn’t it?
INTRUDER : (with heavy sarcasm) Yeah, I’ll be sorry to do it. I’ve taken
a fancy to you, but it’s just got to be done.
GERRARD : Why add murder to your other crimes? It’s a grave step
you’re taking.
INTRUDER : I’m not taking it for fun. I’ve been hunted long enough.
I’m wanted for murder already, and they can’t hang me
twice.
GERRARD : You’re planning a gratuitous double, so to speak. Admitted
you’ve nothing to lose, but what have you to gain?
INTRUDER : I’ve got freedom to gain. As for myself, I’m a poor hunted
rat. As Vincent Charles Gerrard I’m free to go places and
do nothing. I can eat well and sleep and without having
to be ready to beat it at the sight of a cop.
GERRARD : In most melodramas the villain is foolish enough to delay
his killing long enough to be frustrated. You are much
luckier.
2024-25 2024-25
If I Were You / 113
INTRUDER : I’m O.K. I’ve got a reason for everything. I’m going to be
Vincent Charles Gerrard, see. I’ve got to know what he
talks like. Now I know. That posh stuff comes easy. This
is Mr V.C. Gerrard speaking. (Pantomime of phoning, in
imitation cultured voice.) And that’s not all. (He stands
up.) Get up a minute (Gerrard stands.) Now take a look at
me.
GERRARD : You’re not particularly decorative.
INTRUDER : No! Well, that goes for you, too. I’ve only got to wear
specs and I’ll be enough like you to get away with it.
GERRARD : What about your clothes? They’ll let you down if you’re
not careful.
INTRUDER : That’ll be all right. Yours will fit me fine.
GERRARD : That is extremely interesting, but you seem to miss the
point of my remark. I said, you were luckier than most
melodramatic villains. It was not a tribute to your
intelligence. You won’t kill me for a very good reason.
INTRUDER : So that’s what you think.
GERRARD : You’ll let me go, and thank God you didn’t shoot sooner.
INTRUDER : Come on. What’s on your mind! Better be quick. This
conversation bores me.
GERRARD : Your idea is to elude the police by killing me and taking
on my identity?
INTRUDER : Yes, I like the idea.
GERRARD : But are you sure it’s going to help you?
INTRUDER : Now listen here. I’ve got this all planned. I did a job in
town. Things went wrong and I killed a cop. Since then
I’ve done nothing but dodge.
GERRARD : And this is where dodging has brought you?
INTRUDER : It brought me to Aylesbury. That’s where I saw you in the
car. Two other people saw you and started to talk. I
listened. It looks like you’re a bit queer — kind of a mystery
man.
GERRARD : A mystery which I propose to explain.
INTRUDER : (disregarding him) You phone your orders and sometimes
you go away suddenly and come back just the same.
Those are just the things I want to do. Hearing about you
was one of my luckiest breaks.
GERRARD : Apparently you haven’t the intelligence to ask why I am
invested in this cloak of mystery.
2024-25 2024-25
Read More