How To Never Get Angry - Anger Management For Everyone Video Lecture | Anger Management: Learn to have control over your Anger - Health & Fitness

hello my name is noah elkrief and in
this video i'm gonna show you how to
lose your anger this video is going to
help you to lose the anger that you have
now but it's also going to have a really
large impact on any anger that you would
have had in the future if you get what
I'm saying in this video it's going to
be a major shift not just like a slight
relief from now but it can really
prevent you from getting angry in any of
the situations that you used to get
angry but to be more specific than that
the anger that we're going to address in
this video is the anger in response to
criticism perceived criticism
disagreements or things along the lines
of you know our our partner doesn't call
us when they should or they they
question our intellect or those types of
things as opposed to one of my other
anger videos which covers how to lose
your anger when someone did something
bad over there okay so this video is
going to be long but if you really get
what I'm saying it's going to have such
a huge impact on your life and I'm
really excited to make the video and per
to get your your feedback about how it's
helped you so without further ado let's
get into it so basically in order to
lose our anger we really need to
understand the the fundamentals of why
we get angry and what's underneath it so
to start out when we have positive
thoughts about ourselves we feel nice
right if we think I'm smart I am cool I
am attractive I am nice I am likeable
any of those types of things we feel
good right we get some this this
pleasure that comes with it and when we
tell ourselves stories like I am a
failure I'm stupid I nobody likes me I'm
not worthy I'm unattractive I'm strange
I'm something wrong with me those types
of thoughts
we feel bad we feel sad depressed lonely
ashamed insufficient or any of those
types of feelings so naturally we all
want to have positive thoughts about
ourselves so how do we get these
positive thoughts well we do it in two
major ways right one is by trying to
change the facts
so I trying to make ourselves skinnier
make our so stronger make ourselves
heavier no healthier not happier make
ourselves get more money get more
success learn a language learn a skill
have a girlfriend have a boyfriend
whatever the case may be right we try to
change the facts in order to have
positive thoughts that improve our ideas
about ourselves but the other main way
that we seek to have positive thoughts
about ourselves is from receiving
compliments appreciation love respect
and those types of things so for example
we look for others to tell us they love
us too for us to convince ourselves I am
lovable or we look for compliments say
you're attractive it convinced ourselves
I am attractive or we look for others to
compliment our work in order to think I
am smart and and you get the idea right
so we see others opinions to give us
positive thoughts about ourselves that
means when someone compliments us or
calls us or wants to be our friend or
wants to date us we feel good pleasure
better about ourselves but the inherent
issue with that is if someone
compliments us if we feel good then when
someone insults us rejects us leaves us
doesn't want to be our friend doesn't
pay attention to us we feel that right
when someone if when someone compliments
you you feel good when someone insults
you you feel bad because that gives you
negative thoughts about yourselves or it
worsens your idea about yourself right
more specifically when we get insults or
rejected or
or disapproved of we feel hurt sad
lonely and just ashamed or worse about
ourselves and since we really really
don't want to feel this way right we
avoid those feelings at all costs we've
developed some sort of unconscious
techniques to avoid these feelings to
prevent ourselves from ever feeling hurt
and sad and worse about ourselves okay
so how do we avoid this feeling of hurt
and this worsening of our self-image and
worsening of our idea of ourselves well
there's three major ways that we try to
accomplish this goal
one is by discrediting the source of
information two is by shifting our
attention to them and away from us and
three is to try to disprove what they
said okay so let me break down those in
a little bit more detail so if someone
let's say you made something okay like
you made a sculpture and you worked
really hard on it and somebody says to
you that's terrible that's so ugly what
are you gonna do are you just gonna feel
sad and hurt no you might say this try
to discredit the source of information
so you might say they're not an expert
they're stupid they don't know what
they're talking about there I don't
trust their opinion right so then we get
angry at them and say they are bad in
one of those kind of ways that would be
to discredit the source of information
the second way is to shift our attention
away from ourselves so when they say
your work is terrible instead of
thinking my work is so bad I'm never
going to succeed at this I'm so bad we
might try to shift our attention saying
they're so mean for saying that sort of
thing what about their work their work
isn't good either or whatever in order
to shift our attention away from us and
just make it about how they are bad in
some way the third tactic is to
try to disprove what they said so that
might be something along the lines of no
my work is good somebody else told me
it's good and it looks exactly like that
which is good and so basically trying to
convince the other person or convince
ourselves that the other person is wrong
right that's when we would get into an
argument and try to give all the pieces
of evidence or proof as to why their
opinion is wrong and we are right we are
good or our work is good so these three
tactics are the cause of pretty much all
our anger and all of our anger in
response to criticism instead of
allowing ourselves to to feel hurt or
sad and to look at these negative
thoughts that we might have about
ourselves we defend our self-image we
defend our idea of ourselves I want to
think unlikable good smart interesting
successful whatever so we defend that
and instead of evaluating what they said
about us are they right is it true do I
believe that myself we just immediately
put it on to them they're bad they're
stupid they don't know what they're
talking about
they're they're just like me or they're
wrong because of this do you see what I
mean instead of looking at what they
said and evaluating its valuating its
validity honestly and really seeing what
we believe we just immediately turn it
on to them shift the attention onto them
try to discredit them and try to
convince them they're wrong this is the
source of our anger so how do we lose
our anger well we simply need to better
understand what creates feelings and
better understand what others opinions
really mean because when we see that
clearly then others opinions can no
longer impact our idea of ourselves and
therefore we won't get hurt or sad and
if others opinions can't worsen our idea
of ourselves and create hurt or sadness
well then we have nothing to defend and
therefore nothing to be angry about so
now it's time to get into the meat of
this video into the real crux of it how
to lose
our anger so it may seem that others
words directly impacted others opinions
directly impact when they insult you you
feel it but that's not actually the case
others opinions others words only impact
you when you believe them ok and to
demonstrate that let's look at an
example if you are walking down the
street okay and some random person let's
say a homeless person that you just
don't trust for whatever reason they
don't seem credible let's say that they
when you're walking past they just yell
at you you're terrible at your job how
do you feel do you feel hurt do you feel
sad do you feel worse about yourself
because that person said that no
probably not why because you know
they've never seen you in your job so
therefore those words don't impact you
they don't create hurt sadness or worse
than your idea of yourself however if
you're in your job and your boss says to
you you're terrible at your job how do
you feel well if you were being honest
you feel worse about yourself you feel
sad you feel hurt you feel disappointed
I feel like there's something wrong with
you in both those situations you heard
the exact same words that you are
terrible at your job
so why in one situation did you have a
strong impact or sitting about your idea
of yourself and in the other you had
practically no impact well simply
because in one of those situation you
believe the words to be true and in the
other situation you didn't that means
words in and of themselves don't impact
you it's only your belief that creates
the impact to give you another example
imagine you're walking down the street
and someone says you're unworthy of love
let's say it's like a homeless person
that you don't trust for whatever reason
does it impact you maybe a tiny bit
depending on how you view that person
but most likely not much at all if at
all but now imagine that your partner
you have a friend or you're in a
relationship or your mother or something
along those
says you're one worthy of love then how
do you feel
well it might rock your world it might
really worsen your self-image and then
create hurt sadness and all those other
things so why would it do that you think
it's because their opinion impacted me
but it didn't if others opinions or
words impacted us then everybody who
said those same words and believed the
same thing would impact us in the same
way but that's not the way it goes
rejection insults of any kind can't
impact us unless we believe them does
that make sense if a negative and
opinion could directly impact you then
it would always impact you no matter
what no matter who it came from and it
would always have the same impact but
that's not the way life works right with
one person says something another person
says something and they both view us in
the exact same way those opinions don't
have the exact same impact so we only
feel what we believe
so basically put differently what
happens is when we believe somebody's
words to be true it has an impact on us
by changing our idea of ourselves so if
I think I'm attractive and then someone
tells me I'm ugly and I believe them it
worsens my idea of myself it's hard to
think I'm attractive if someone just
tells me that I'm ugly right if I think
that I'm smart and someone tells me I'm
stupid it worsens the idea of myself if
I believe that another impact that it
has other than worsening our idea of
ourselves is it reaffirm something we've
been trying to convince ourselves isn't
true so maybe I'm I think that I'm ugly
but I'm trying to convince myself that
I'm attractive and if someone says that
I'm ugly
it sort of makes me feel like I'll never
be attractive I'm always going to be
like this or if I think I'm okay at my
job we're not so good but I'm trying to
give in to myself that I'm good if
someone says you're not so good at this
I think yeah you're right I've been
trying to convince myself but it sucks
I'm going to always be like this so it
reminds us of something we've been worth
reaffirms and
negative idea that we had about
ourselves but we've been trying to
convince ourselves that we're good right
so maybe we think we're unlikable but
someone's been saying that we're good
and likeable so we're trying to believe
that but then if they say we're
unlikable then oh no I am that way I've
been that way all along and the third
way that a negative opinion impacts us
when we believe it is it reminds us of
something that we didn't want to admit
so maybe I'm desperately trying to
convince myself that I'm successful or
interesting or cool in some way and then
someone says that you're not I don't
want to admit that I'm cool no right but
it's like it's like uncovers what I
really believe even though I've been
trying to convince myself of something
else so those are the ways that a
negative opinion negative comment
impacts us when we believe it but of
course most of the time we don't admit
these things to ourselves instead we
just get angry and turn it on to that
right discredit them try to disprove
them or just shift the attention onto
them instead of feeling these feelings
of I'm not so good in some way or I'm
worse than I thought or I have to admit
that I'm bad
we just turn it on to them but the other
thing is that most of the time we don't
get directly insulted so someone's not
going to tell us you're stupid you're
ugly you're boring you are an
interesting we have to take cues right
so instead of someone insulting us they
might just not call us they might forget
our birthday they might forget our date
they might not hire you they might spend
time with somebody else they might give
you a bad grade on your test they might
tell you that you're wrong
they might imply that they don't trust
you right for example maybe you tell
them this is how you get there right
directions and they say I'm not sure if
you're right so they're don't trust you
so they're questioning your intellect or
maybe they don't trust you because you
say that
at work you come home late and you say
you were at work and then they say I
don't know if you were and then that
questions
that's questioning whether we're
trustworthy and good right so that it
seems like an insult or maybe you don't
know the answer to something or maybe
someone doesn't give you the response
you want so you make a joke and they
don't laugh or maybe you're talking and
they don't give you eye contact there's
a variety of different ways that we get
insulted or or get criticism from others
without a direct insult right do you
notice that so instead of thinking about
this in terms of someone says to me I'm
stupid and then how do I react that may
be the case you may actually get
insulted but the vast majority of the
time for most people that come to me for
sessions at least is that the insults
are kritis the criticism is perceived
criticism they did that so that means
this right that means they don't like me
they disagree they think I don't know
what I'm talking about they trying to
show me that I'm wrong whatever the case
may be right they forgot something so
that means they forgot my birthday that
means they don't like me it's always
they did something and that means they
view me as bad in some way so it often
seems that the list of things I just
mentioned like rejection someone leaving
you someone insulting you so I'm not
looking so we're not calling someone
questioning your intellect and we're not
trusting you it seems that those things
directly create either your hurt
sadness or your anger but they don't
what happens is when someone does one of
those things we interpret that to mean
they don't like me they think I'm stupid
they think I'm untrustworthy they think
I'm not good they don't love me so they
think I'm unlovable and then that makes
us start to worse in our idea of
ourselves so then we turn it on to them
and say you're bad in some way for not
trusting me for doing that for thinking
that so instead of that right there's
another option
and that is to not believe what they say
but first let's really explore this so
why do we
automatically believe their opinion to
be true why are we are we automatically
impacted by what they say well it's
simply because that's what we were
taught to do when we're young when our
parent says this is a cup we say okay
that's a cup when they say this is a
shirt we say okay that's a shirt we
don't question it we just believe
everything they say that's what we're
meant to do we're like a sponge just
taking in new information and when our
teacher says that's the sky we say okay
that's the sky when they say that's a
camera we say okay that's a camera not
questioning so therefore when they say
you did a good job we said yay I did a
good job when they say you did bad we
say oh no I did bad when they say you're
cute we say yeah I'm cute when I say
that doesn't look good on you say oh no
it doesn't look good on me right we just
believe everything everyone says when
we're young but we take that into
adulthood when we're in high school if
someone complements us and says you're
so pretty we said yeah I'm so pretty if
they insult us or reject us or leave us
we say oh no there must be something
wrong with me I said their opinion is
real factual and true as if it's a part
of who you are the same goes when we get
into the workforce or yeah the workforce
if somebody is somebody compliments our
work we say yay I am great and if they
insult our work oh no I am bad as if
their opinion is real and factual
someone laughs at our job we say yay I'm
funny if they don't laugh oh no maybe
I'm not funny as if their opinion is
true we never get taught to question the
validity of others opinions so it's not
your fault that you're impacted by
others opinions and others criticisms
it's just what we were taught to do
everybody has this practically to
varying degrees but it's simply what we
were taught to do okay so it's not your
fault there's nothing wrong with you
it's just nobody showed you how to treat
this differently okay okay now we're
going to look at your specific situation
I want you to think of a time that you
got angry at selling maybe you're
starting to
this video because you're angry at
someone right now but if not you can
also just think of a moment that you are
angry and then I want to ask yourself
want you to ask yourself what did they
say or do to you that makes you angry
take a moment to really answer that for
yourself be as specific as possible like
one thing now here's the next question
what did that comment or action mean
about what they think about you for
example if they didn't call I'm angry
because they didn't call me then the
question next question is what does that
mean they think about you if they didn't
call me that means they don't like me
they think I'm not good enough or maybe
you're angry at them because they don't
trust you so then you would ask yourself
what does it mean they think about me if
they don't trust me if they don't trust
me that means they think I'm not
trustworthy and I'm not good enough I'm
not a good guy maybe it's more direct
they told me I'm stupid so they think
I'm stupid if they tell me I'm stupid it
must mean they think I'm stupid
right so you got the idea eat whatever
they did ask yourself what does that
mean they think about me and now the
third question is if they think that
about you what does that mean about you
so for example if they think I'm stupid
what does that mean about me well if
they think I'm stupid that must mean I'm
stupid if they think I'm untrustworthy
that what does that mean about me that
must mean I'm untrustworthy do you see
that what does it mean about you that
they have this negative opinion about
you whatever negative opinion you think
they have about you right what does that
actually mean about you if they think
you're not lovable does that mean you
are if they think you're ugly does that
mean you are
well for most of us the automatic
unconscious assumption is if they think
that I'm bad than I am that
automatically that's why we get angry
because we want to avoid admitted
admitting that so we just turn it on to
them you we never even ask the question
if they think I'm bad does that mean I'm
bad if they think I'm stupid if they
think I'm ugly if they think I'm
uninteresting if they think I'm
untrustworthy if they think I'm whatever
does that mean I'm actually that
so first let's admit that we do feel
that way on some level we do believe
that that it must mean on that way if
they believe that okay now that we've
we've looked at what's causing our anger
to some degree now let's see how to lose
it okay so first thing that we can do
first thing is ask ourselves just
because they said that or did that does
that mean they actually view me in a
negative way so for example if they
didn't call me we assume that must mean
they don't like me so then we ask
yourself can I think of any
interpretation or any reason why the
opposite interpretation could be true is
it possible they didn't call me because
they just forgot or they were busy or
maybe they do like me but they just
didn't call or maybe a different example
would be I said they asked me for
directions or they asked me what I
should do about an upcoming job
interview and then I gave them an answer
and they didn't seem to trust me so they
didn't trust me that must mean they
think I'm stupid
is it possible that they just were
looking for other alternatives or that
answer didn't resonate with them or they
just wanted more information that it
doesn't really mean they're stupid that
they think you're stupid see if you can
interpret it in a different way see if
you can recognize that just because they
did whatever they did that doesn't
necessarily mean that they think you're
bad in some way okay but if you really
believe that they have a negative
opinion about you then instead of trying
to discredit them disprove them and
shift your attention onto them and
angry to try to change the situation you
can stay just question whether their
opinion is actually true because if you
recognize their opinion isn't true well
then there's nothing to defend there's
no problem nothing to get angry about in
order to see that their opinion isn't
true let's let's look at a different
type of example if you see a little boy
playing with a game okay like a wooden
board with different shape holes in it
so it has a square hole a circle hole in
a triangle hole in this wooden board and
then there's different shapes there's a
square circle and triangle wooden shape
it that the little boy needs to put in
the correct holes so if he takes a
square shaped piece of wood and tries to
put in a triangle-shaped hole and it
doesn't fit and he says to you this
shape isn't good enough for that hole
what are you going to say it's not that
it's not good enough it just doesn't fit
when something doesn't fit it doesn't
mean it's not good enough okay so the
person who had a negative opinion about
you in some way let's see whether their
opinion is actually true about you so if
they think that a song is bad is that
song bad no that's just their opinion it
just wasn't the right fit it doesn't
mean the song is bad just because they
think it is if they think a painting is
ugly does that mean that painting is
ugly no somebody else could think it's
beautiful it just wasn't the right fit
it's not that it wasn't good enough if
they think that a type of food is
disgusting
does that mean that food is disgusting
no it's just not the right fit so if
they think you're ugly does that mean
you are no it just means you're not the
right fit if they think you are boring
does that mean you are no just means
you're not the right fit the same goes
for everything right so if whatever
opinion you are scared they have about
you or whatever opinion seems to impact
you ask yourself if they think that
about a song a movie a painting of food
does that mean it's true oh it's just
not the right fit so this
same applies with what they think about
you whatever they think about you has
nothing to do with you
it just has to do with them with
whatever fits with their conditioning
their training of what is good and bad
same with a movie a song a meal okay
when someone says we're bad we just
automatically assume that's true that
their opinion is real and factual that
means something about me we get very
confused between not good enough and not
the right fit
so no song isn't good enough for them
some songs just aren't the right fit if
they like rock music and then you're a
country song say that's terrible it's
not that it's terrible it's not the
right fit if they like modern art and
they see abstract or classical or
Renaissance art and they say that's
terrible that's ugly it's not it's not
the right fit the same applies with
whatever negative opinion they have
about you it doesn't mean anything about
who you are it's just not the right fit
so now apply that to your unique
situation whatever they think about you
whatever you think they think about you
ask yourself now is their opinion about
you true is their opinion about you mean
anything about who you are could
somebody else have a different opinion
if so how you know their opinion is
right it's not and if you can really see
that then you're free there's nothing to
defend
there's no worsening of your idea of
yourself so you don't need to shift your
attention and discredit them and call
them stupid or bad or names or whatever
it's just okay well their opinion about
me isn't right they're just in their
head just thinking that it's it's real
but it's not okay but you see what
happens some of the time is that when we
really care about someone or like
someone or think somebody is really good
in some way cool or popular or our boss
or something like that we somehow value
their opinion more than somebody else's
we think just because I like them or
just because they're cool that means
that their opinion
is more valid than other persons but
that's not true there's no buddy's
opinion it is more valid than anybody
else's that's just an idea you see so
think whoever it is right recognize just
because I like them just because they're
seemingly smart just because they're
seemingly cool or my boss or whatever
ask yourself is their opinion on a song
more valid than somebody else's is their
opinion on a painting more valid than
someone else's so as their opinion about
me more valid one boss might hate your
work but another boss might like it
doesn't mean anything you know maybe
your mother doesn't like you and thinks
you're you're boring or a failure but
somebody else's mother if you had a
different mother they might think you're
great
you're nice you're caring or something
along those lines or they might think
you're actually pretty successful who
knows you see just because you care
about them or think they're great in
some way or they're close to you like a
relative or a friend
it doesn't mean their opinion is more
valid than anybody else's any place in
normal okay it's just not the right fit
so if that doesn't give you the relief
that you were looking for
that doesn't make you feel bad or to
some degree then it's likely because you
actually already believe that negative
opinion about yourself
so whatever made you angry whatever you
think that means about you or whatever
negative opinion you think they have
about you you actually believe that
about yourself
so the first step when that's the case
is to just admit that so if they called
you stupid just admit I actually do
think that I'm stupid or they called you
whatever ask yourself do I believe
that's true do I it is that true about
me do I believe that if they think
you're selfish or or something along ask
yourself am i selfish do I believe that
to be true if we don't ask if we just
immediately go into defense mode which
is automatic because we want to think of
ourselves as good we never look at the
truth we never evaluate how do I
actually see things so whatever negative
opinion that you think they have
you asked yourself do I believe that
about myself if they left me and I'm
angry at them for leaving me the way
they did what do I think that means
about me well I think that means they
don't like me that I'm unlikable okay
is that true do I believe that I'm
unlikable huh yes something deep down I
do believe I'm unlikable not worthy we
have to really be honest with ourselves
anger is a is a diversion tactic it's a
cover-up it's always hiding something
underneath that we don't want to admit
and it can be really hard to admit these
things it's not it's not easy some of
the time so so just because I'm saying
it in this sort of simple way it doesn't
mean it's going to be that way for you
for many people it's hard to admit that
they do believe that they're bad in some
way so be gentle with yourself be
patient with yourself and let it come up
in its own time but just recognize
whatever someone insults or your job is
to ask do I believe that about myself
and once you can admit that well then
you have a chance and what you do after
you admit the negative idea you have
about yourself is you question the
validity of that your question is it
true
so if you think I'm a failure okay well
then you could ask the question can I
think of any reasons or examples as to
why the opposite could be true
so with if I think I'm a failure I would
ask have I ever succeed in anything
while I succeeded in this once I
succeeded in that once I could succeed
at this so I guess I mean I'm not a
total failure sometimes I succeed at
things that I want to do and sometimes I
don't but doesn't everybody succeed and
fail sometimes so am i a failure if we
can discover that the opposite could be
true then it it diminishes the strength
weakens the strength of the idea I am a
failure or if we think I'm unlovable we
can ask ourselves can I think of any
reasons or examples is why I am lovable
do I have this quality that quality that
quality to some people love me did they
love me for some bit of time and we can
recognize I'm not unlovable just it
wasn't the right fit maybe for whatever
reason they change their mind or found
someone else or got bored but there's
nothing
do with you just has to do with their
own thoughts whenever you think is
negative about yourself question them
could I think of any reasons or examples
as to why the opposite could be true
another question you can ask is quit
somebody else have the opposite
perspective and if somebody else could
have the opposite perspective do I know
that my opinion about myself is true so
maybe I think I'm stupid but could
somebody think I'm smart maybe I think
ah my financial situation is bad but
could somebody else think it's good if
so how do I know it's bad you can also
just question the overall credibility of
your opinion such as if you think a song
is good does that mean it's good if you
think a song as bad as that mean is bad
if you think a movie is stupid and
boring does that mean it is somebody
else might love it if you think a food
is disgusting does that mean it is if
you think a painting is ugly if you
think a person is uninteresting does
that mean they are know so just how when
you have an opinion about something else
it doesn't mean it's true if you have
opinion on yourself it doesn't mean it's
true
another way to disbelieve your idea of
yourself with a negative thought that
you have about yourself is to simply
look that how an action doesn't mean
anything about who you are so right now
I'm clapping am i a clapper it's not who
I am that's just something that I did in
a moment so maybe you did something you
think that means something about you
forever
it doesn't that was just one moment
clapping is occurring now and now it's
not so my clapper forever because I
clapped in a moment oh as nothing to do
with Who I am
that was a moment in time that for some
reason I decided clapping was going to
be the best thing to do I don't know why
I thought that why didn't I do this I'm
a waver I am a slapper I don't know some
reason that's what happened in that
moment and it means nothing about me in
this moment I might never clap again
what how could I be a clapper for the
rest of my life just goes at one moment
so maybe you did maybe I clap now and
now
and now so I clap overall I may be about
six times there so we just matter how
many times I do if I'm not doing it here
now it's not who I am
it was just what was done in a few
different moments in the past so
whatever you did in the past it has
nothing to do with who you are now right
if I was an accountant in the past and
it ended I'm not an accountant forever
if I change jobs now I'm not an
accountant I never was that was just
something that was done in a moment
right we have to be clear on the
difference between what we are in an
action what is done in a loan right
really to put that differently we have
to question the difference between
reality and our imagination so in this
moment right now I have a hand I know it
to be true I have a nose right here
right they exist in reality my shirt
reality so now where is boring
well it's not in the real world that's
in my imagination there's only two
options in a given reality or
imagination so where's boring where's
uninteresting where's stupid where's
failure where's unlovable they don't
exist in real life they're not who you
are unless you can find it now in
reality and show it to me
reality is we can see taste touch hear
smell if you have none of those for
whatever you think you are well then
it's not who you are if you can't prove
it to me you can't provide any evidence
in reality right now it's not you
because guess what you are here now
aren't you you are here so anything not
here can't be you my hand is here so
anything not here now isn't my hand so I
hand is here so you are here now who are
you where's boring uninteresting stupid
failure unworthy none of that is you
you're just here being ok does that make
sense so maybe if you see that now
you're going to feel a lot of relief ok
and lose your anger but in order for
this to have a lasting impact on your
life and in order for you to to never
feel this type of anger again you have
to be willing to question
the good okay so put differently if when
people compliment you you feel good then
when people insult you you will feel bad
because the two sides of the same coin
when someone complements you and they
say you are attractive if you believe
them what you've done there if you said
others words are true right so you feel
pleasure but if you're saying others
words are true than when they say
something negative you'll believe it and
feel bad or have anger in order to avoid
that feeling so as long as you believe
compliments you believe insults because
both of them are just I believe who have
their opinion to be real in true so it
may seem like you really want to feel
the pleasure of compliments and
appreciation and love but all that does
is perpetuate anxiety about others
opinions because if you're if you get
happy when someone gives you love
appreciation compliment then you're
going to hope you get it and be worried
that you don't get it and if somebody
insulting you or treating you without
respect or whatever seems to make you
upset
well then you're going to want to avoid
that and not make that happen so you'll
have anxiety a lot of anger when it
happens or hurt or sadness and it's just
not freedom you live in a prison where
your happiness is determined on based on
how others treat you and that's no fight
at all do you see that as long as a
positive opinion gives you pleasure a
negative opinion will give you pain but
both of them are based on the
misunderstanding that other's opinions
are real and true and they directly mean
something about who you are so you can't
have it
you can't disbelieve others negative
opinions and say they're not really true
oh but they're positive opinions are
real true they're the same thing and you
might say I really want to feel that
pleasure though but if I told you that
if you had ice cream and it gave you a
feeling of pleasure okay but then every
time you had ice cream it made you give
you stomach pains for the next two weeks
would you want to eat ice cream no right
because just because it gives you a
- pleasure if you recognize that it also
gives you a lot of pain it's not worth
it for that pleasure so when you really
see that the pleasure you get from a
compliment or appreciation is
perpetuating all your anger sadness
heard worrying about others opinions
trying to be somebody that others will
like and put on a show or whatever well
then you you'll see it's just not worth
it it's not worth it for that little bit
of pleasure instead you get peace
freedom to do what you want freedom to
not be impacted someone disrespects me
and tells me I'm unworthy I'll say okay
maybe I am I don't know i have no idea
where's work where does it exist if
someone tells me I'm bad at my job I
would say well maybe I am some people
think it's good some people think is bad
so I guess I'm neither just each person
is impacted differently you see when you
recognize that you're not bad or good
you're just here well then there's
nothing to defend
I'm just here you see that so just like
we question the negatives when someone
insults us criticize us or seems to
criticize us we have to question the
positive so now let me ask you the
question what do you want them to think
about you so whoever made you upset
whoever made you angry seemingly right
because they seemingly had a negative
opinion about you ask yourself what do I
want them to think about you about me so
for example they think I'm stupid
what do I want them I want them to think
I'm smart they think I'm unlovable I
want them to think I'm low so now
question the validity of that is it true
just because they think I'm smart does
that mean that I'm smart just because
they think I'm lovable does that mean
that I'm level just because they think
I'm attractive or interesting or cool
does that mean that I am no it doesn't
somebody else could think the opposite
right just because they think you're
cool somebody else could think you're
boring some just because they think
you're smart someone else could think
you're stupid it's not true if they
think a song is great or a movie is
funny or a-- or a food is tasty it's not
they just believe that but somebody else
could they have the opposite
it's not real or true so or maybe you
can even ask yourself good can I think
of many reasons why the opposite is true
so they think I'm smart but can I think
of any reasons why I'm stupid I know it
seems ridiculous but you have to
recognize that you are not actually good
in order to recognize you're not bad
you're just here or maybe you can see it
in a different way like I want them to
think I'm smart but don't you sometimes
do things that are seemingly stupid or
maybe I want them to think I'm lovable
but sometimes they're gonna love me and
sometimes they're not
or sometimes they're going to think I'm
smart and sometimes they're not so do I
change sometimes they think I'm funny
sometimes I think I'm boring so do I go
from funny to boring funny the boy or I
just hear it all the time and sometimes
seemingly funny things come out and
sometimes seemingly boring things come
out but none of that is Who I am
it's like saying now I'm a clapper now
I'm a waver I I'm the same in the midst
of both of those neither one is Who I am
it's just actions that are occurring
words that are occurring right so
whenever we want others to think about
us
it's just what we want to think about
ourselves so we want somebody else to
say you're smart and you're interesting
and you're cool and you're attractive
and you're lovable and you're charming
and you're sweet or whatever in order to
help convince ourselves I am good
but since it but as long as we need to
use them to try to convince ourselves I
am good we'll be completely at their
mercy
always looking evaluating what they
think of us and hoping they don't think
negative and if they do think negative
we get sad or we get angry much more
freeing to recognize I'm not good I'm
just here this it's all just ideas that
we're trying to convince ourself but
since it's in our head it never has
enough to free us right because we don't
know I'm good it's just a belief we have
to be really clear on the difference
between what we know and what we believe
so I know I have a hand right I believe
that I don't actually believe but we
would say I believe I'm great I am
worthy
I am likeable I am nice I'm smart I am
cool any of those types of things right
they're not
in the land of what we know they're only
in the land of what we believe so when
you know something to be true
you don't need others to tell it to you
I don't need anybody to tell me I have a
hand
I don't anyone to reaffirm to me that I
have a hand I don't need anyone to tell
me that I have a shirt right but don't
you need somebody to tell you you're
smart you're attractive you're cool
you're whatever because you don't know
it you're only desperately trying to
believe it okay the same goes for
worried I don't have to worry about
whether anybody thinks I have a hand I
know I have one so it doesn't matter
what anyone says if someone tells me I
don't have a hand I'm not gonna argue I
need to defend it I know that I have a
hand if I have to defend it that means I
don't know it do you see we don't have
to defend what we know we only have to
defend what we're desperately trying to
believe so I never have to worry about
whether someone thinks I have a hand
ever because I know it to be true
when you know something to be true
others opinions cannot affect it doesn't
matter how many tell people tell me only
I have one hand doesn't matter how many
people tell me I'm not wearing a shirt
it doesn't matter it can't affect me and
I would never ever argue if someone
tells me I'm not wearing a shirt what am
I going to say I know it to be true
right I would never argue what I know
the only time you would ever argue or
try to defend is when we're confused
between what we know and what we believe
when you tell yourself unlikable I'm
cool I'm interesting I'm smart I'm funny
I'm fun I'm worthy of love I'm a catch
or any of these things you don't
actually know it to be true you're
trying to believe it but since it's not
known it feels fragile weak soft and
insufficient we always walk through life
with this sense of something missing
missing sense of insufficiency and it's
fragile because it can be impacted by
anything doesn't matter how many years I
go through life thinking I'm attractive
if somebody doesn't look at me someone
rejects me gone if I think I'm
successful and I have one little failure
boom gone any of these things any idea
you have about yourself you think you're
smart and the
next person disagrees what'd you say
boom there goes I'm smart our idea of
ourselves since it's not real it's
heavily impacted by others opinions so
if if if you're trying to think I'm
attractive if nobody agrees and nobody
complements you and nobody looks at you
it's going to be very hard to can
convince yourself that you're attractive
if you think you're smart and everybody
else thinks you're stupid and doesn't
agree it's going to be very hard to
convince yourself that you're smart
because you don't know it to be true
you're just trying to believe it and you
need others backing in order to convince
yourself that you're good so what you've
done is you place you given the power of
your happiness to others when you're
trying to convince yourself that you're
good this is why when someone views us
as negative in some way thinks we're
stupid boring uninteresting cool and
we're these selfish whatever bad mother
and we try to defend us right right we
try to convince them because as long as
they think we're bad in some way it's
very hard to convince ourselves I am
good right so we need to convince them
we need to show them prove to them we're
good because if they can we convince
them that we're good and it's easier to
convince ourselves that we're good
they think we're right maybe they think
we're wrong but we can't really fully
convince ourselves I am right unless we
convince them that they are wrong as
long as they think they are right and
we're wrong it's hard to convince
ourselves I am right so therefore we
spend how much time trying to convince
others to see it our way because we
think I know it's true they need to see
it my way
but if you knew it was true you wouldn't
care what others think I don't care
whether others think I have a hand it
doesn't matter because I know it to be
true if you care what others think it
means you don't know it you just believe
it looking at it differently what we're
actually doing when we're getting angry
is we're trying to defend this story in
our head so we have an idea I am good in
some way and we desperately want to
defend that is if it's real as if it's
who we
are so when someone insults us or
criticizes us it has the potential to
worsen the story about who we are but
since we think that story about who we
are is who we are we defend it like
we're defending our life like we're
defending our arm right like we think I
am smart as like a part of us like I
have an honor and if we lose that it's
losing a part of us it's worsening a
part of us diminishing us weakening us
even though it's all it's doing is
changing a thaw changing a story in our
hand so when we confuse the story of who
we are to be we are we need to defend it
like we defend our life and that's why
it's many times we will get angry they
get angry to the point of you know at
the soul you know it's in their body and
they could almost kill or hurt someone
to defend just a story in their head
just defend I am attractive or I am cool
or I am nice or I am good mom or I am
unselfish good person or I am right
about my opinions right even though none
of that is true now that is real you're
defending an idea not defending a
reality because reality doesn't need to
be defended if someone tells me I'm bad
in any way or I'm small or I am weak I
don't need to defend it because it's not
it's it's either it's known or it's
imaginary anything that needs to be
defended from an opinion never existed
at all because an opinion can't affect
reality it can only affect imagination
do you see that so when someone says
you're stupid
what are you defending you're defending
I am smart I know what I'm talking about
I am right that's what you're defending
but that's there's nothing actually
there do you see you're just afraid of
going from I am smart I am stupid I am
right to I wrong I am knowledgeable I am
NOT but both of them are equally
illusory equally imaginary neither of
them are true if somebody tells you that
you only have eight fingers you need to
argue you only defend yourself because
you know it to be true what that means
is
anytime you get defensive anytime you
get angry it's a sign it's telling you
you're defending something that isn't
real you're trying to convince yourself
that you're great and you're so scared
of losing that so scared of what
worsening that you perceive it as it's a
threat to your actual existence a threat
to your actual body anger is just
confusion that the story in our head is
where we are and so we're so afraid of
it worsening or dissolving stop who are
you right now none of that is you none
of that is who you are
so what is the truth who are you what is
reality what is imagination well take a
moment now and imagine a really big
house now take a moment to imagine a
really small house make sure you really
picture them close your eyes maybe now
tell me which house is bigger the big
one of course right no neither one is
bigger neither one is any volume or
weight or width or height or anything
they both imagine now take a moment to
imagine a hot coal you know there's like
that would be on a barbecue a hot coal
simmering now imagine an ice cube which
one is hotter neither because they're
both imaginary neither one is emitting
any heat or coldness right they're both
imaginary now imagine who you are
imagine your quality is boring smart
interesting uninteresting cool likeable
funny where do they exist both imaginary
all imaginary so now think I am funny
picture yourself as I am funny now
picture yourself as I'm boring which one
is more real which one is funny neither
one is fun you're boring because they
both don't exist in real life picture I
am right
now picture I am wrong I don't know what
I'm talking about which one is more real
which one is more good neither one is
good picture I am unworthy picture I am
worthy which image is better
neither image is better because there's
no such thing as better it's imaginary
so you spend your life trying to
convince yourself that you're good when
you're not
where are any of your qualities now you
are here where are your qualities you
see the alternative to try spending your
life trying to convince yourself that
you're good and worrying about others
opinions and getting angry when someone
disagrees is to simply discover I am
here now that's it everything else is
just an idea in my head you need to walk
through life telling yourself an
imaginary story all the time of who what
who you are and let's be clear everybody
in the world does that practically this
is not a you problem this is probably
every single person you know that's this
to varying degrees but now you have
enough opportunity to change that to
question that to discover what's real
what's true why am i what's it what does
their opinion mean about me what does it
mean if I'm wrong okay I'm wrong now so
I'm a clapper for the rest of my life no
wrong what does that have to do with Who
I am it's just a moment does it make a
difference right or wrong both are
equally imaginary neither one is better
or worse I am right I am wrong which is
better they both exist in our
imagination like big house and small
house not who we are so when you try to
convince someone that they're wrong
you're trying to convince yourself
you're right but you're not right and
they're not wrong it's just neither one
is right or honk is right or wrong don't
exist in reality we have no idea if you
think a movie is good and they think the
movies bad who's right
nobody you'll never win that you'll
spend your life trying to convince
yourself and you're right then they are
wrong ah why would you do that it's just
a game of suffering doesn't matter how
many times in a row you convince
yourself you're good it will always be
fragile and completely susceptible to
being destroyed right doesn't matter how
many how many years you think you're
attractive smart successful it can go
at anytime because it's a story to story
in your imagination so who are you who
are you right now where your qualities
right now if you think you're great it's
never going to be enough because it's
not real it doesn't exist you don't know
it to be true
allow yourself to just be here as you
are there's nothing wrong with you here
because I don't know the shape of wrong
is I don't know the size of wrong is the
texture the color where is it I don't
know but there's also nothing good about
you because where is good where is
likable where it's nice it's not here
but you are here and it's not here so it
can't be you it's just a story stop let
yourself just be here as you are nothing
to protect nothing to maintain nothing
to improve nothing that can worsen just
here all of that is an imaginary game it
has nothing to do with this moment ok
listen I know it seems crazy to give up
on that game of trying to convince
yourself that you're good I know it
seems ridiculous to stop trying to
develop confidence and think I'm amazing
and everything that I do when I'm smart
and I'm likeable and all that stuff but
look at your own experience where is
that got you
you can't think you're great unless
others agree in any way so therefore if
you're pursuing confidence in thinking
of yourself as good you're pursuing
suffering because you'll always worry
about others opinions as long as you're
trying to think you're good you'll
always argue because if anyone disagrees
you can't have that because then you
can't convince yourself that you're good
and you'll always have a susceptible you
always have anxiety because you're
susceptible to it worsening so allow
yourself to just be open to the idea
that convincing myself that I'm good is
not the key to life and it's certainly
not the key to peace and happiness
because it results in suffering stop let
yourself just be here as you are nothing
good about you nothing bad about me so
now to review this long video and
we spoke about basically it's just anger
this is a cover-up for the feeling of
hurt instead of letting our idea of
ourselves worsen we just try to cover it
up with anger to put our attention on to
somebody else and how they're bad or try
to convince them that we're not bad and
so to get over that or to get past that
or get through that we simply need to
ask ourselves what did they do that made
me angry and then ask ourselves what
does that mean about me if they did that
well then they don't like me and that
means I'm bad if they did that they
think I'm stupid and that means I'm
stupid and then question that question
whether their opinion is true question
whether just because they have a
negative view of us that that means it's
true
and then question whether we think we
have that negative view like I'm
actually believe I'm stupid I actually
believe I'm ugly I actually believe I'm
a failure
question the validity of that and then
question any positive question the
opposite so if we're so don't just
question am i failure no I'm not
question whether I'm a success question
whether I'm great or the loveable so
recognize that's not true either and
then you have freedom then you have
peace nothing can make you angry nothing
can call it anxiety when nothing means
anything about who you are you see
everything that impacts this is only
because we think it's improving or
worsening our idea of ourselves when you
discover none of that is true none of
its real none of it is you life change
is quite quite drastically we're just
left here and join this moment as it is
no matter what's happening okay so I
know that was a long video if you made
it this far thank you for for your
patience thank you for watching thank
you for your openness and please feel
free to comment because if you have any
questions I would love to answer it so
that other people can see those answers
if you discovered when I spoke about in
this video and you felt the relief or
something along those lines or it helped
you in some situation in your life let
me know and let others know so this way
maybe if they're skeptical about it they
can see the other comments and say oh
maybe this does actually work so so
thanks again for watching and I'll see
you around bye
hello again if you found my video
helpful or you enjoyed it I welcome you
to click on one of the videos below as
you might find them helpful as well or
if you want to make sure you never miss
another video of mine again you can
click the subscribe button over there
and if you want my free ebook you're
welcome to click the free ebook button
over there so thanks again for watching
and I'll see you around bye