How To Forgive Yourself - How To Stop Feeling Guilty Video Lecture | Anger Management: Learn to have control over your Anger - Health & Fitness

hello my name is noah elkrief and in
this video i'm going to talk about how
to forgive yourself so for most of us
when we are looking to forgive ourselves
it's basically because we feel guilty
about something we did we feel anger
towards ourselves we feel sad or bad
about something we did in the past and
often times when we feel this way it can
seem impossible to stop feeling this way
it seems as though our feeling is
directly created by what we did in the
past and if there's no way to escape it
but if you look at your life did you do
you feel guilty and bad about yourself
in every moment or there's some breaks
here and there for example when you're
watching TV watching a movie listening
to music playing with your kids or doing
something fun chances are in that moment
they're not feeling guilty or bad about
yourself the reason why is because in
those moments you're not thinking about
it you're not thinking about what you
did you're not thinking about how bad it
was you're not thinking about how you're
to blame for something so the real
reason why you feel angry towards
yourself and guilty about what you did
is not because of the past action itself
but only because of the thoughts that
you have in this moment when you have
certain thoughts they create certain
feelings in any moment that you don't
have those thoughts those feelings
naturally don't arise so what thoughts
are creating this anger and guilt and
feeling bad for yourself well when we do
something the only reason why we would
feel these emotions is if we have two
major thoughts one the outcome of what I
did is bad and two I am to blame for
that bad outcome if we don't feel like
we're to blame we won't experience guilt
and if we don't think that the outcome
of what we did was bad then there's
obviously no reason to feel guilty about
it so I'd like to show you how it's
possible
that whatever you did you're not to
blame for it and whatever you did it
might not be bad so let's just take a
moment and look let's let's look at an
example of how this could happen so
first let's look about how what you did
might not end up being bad so for
instance if there's a if you crash into
somebody and it's your fault
right and they let's say you driving a
car you crash into them they break their
leg you would think that what you did
was so bad and you feel bad about it
right but if you talk to them six months
later the victim of this accident and it
turns out that while they were in the
hospital waiting to fix their leg they
met somebody who gave them their dream
job and there's so much happier now so
now if you look at this would you still
feel bad about what you did no probably
not
because what you did somehow ended up
making that person happier making the
victim happier in their life so anytime
that we have decided something is bad
we're looking at one little effect of
what we did but we're ignoring all the
possible future effects of that outcome
so if we break someone's leg we look
oh it's bad I broke their leg and it
seems so obvious that it's bad but then
the simple question we have to ask
ourselves is do I know what all the
effects are of this outcome do I know
what all the effects are so look at your
particular situation whatever you did
and now look is it possible that what I
did could wind up making them happier is
it possible that it could help the world
in some way just be creative what are
the possible effects it is it possible
that it could make them happier they
could help them in some way it may have
made them suffer a lot in that moment
but is it possible that it could make
them happier in the future and if it's
possible then do you know that the
outcome
you helped to create was bad no how
could you possibly know how could we
possibly know all the effects we don't
so if we don't know that the outcome of
what we did is bad then there's nothing
to feel bad about so that's the first
way to help you forgive yourself about
something that you did the second way is
to see that you're not to blame for what
you did so it seems that if you
committed some action you're obviously
to blame for right but if you weren't to
blame you wouldn't have this guilt this
anger towards yourself so let's look at
an example if you're watching a car
accident occur outside of your window
and you see both people are really
suffering they got hurt would you feel
guilty about it no of course not so why
wouldn't you feel guilty because you're
not to blame not to blame for what
happened so there's no reason to feel
guilty about it so if we did something
right if we caused the accident if we
said something to someone if we hit
somebody if we did something that seemed
to create suffering it seems obvious
that we're to blame but let's take a
moment and really examine that
assumption
so do you control the thoughts that
arise in your mind take a moment and
look do you control the thoughts that
arise in your mind do you want to be
happy of course right
so do negative thoughts great happiness
no judgments great happiness no they
came worrying about the future clear
happiness no but yet you still do it
don't you you still have all these
negative thoughts you don't want to have
if you control their thoughts you would
always think positive never think
negative maybe not think at all if you
could control
so it's clear that you don't control the
thoughts that arise in your mind so if
you look I don't control the thoughts
arise my mind
well now what determines your actions
what determines your actions whether
they say something nice or to say
something mean what determines that who
determines that thoughts if we think
something negative about them we'll say
something idea about them likely and if
we think something positive about that
we'll probably say something positive if
we have judgments about someone and hate
them will do something hurtful or
unloving towards them and if we have
positive thoughts about them and think
they're so wonderful we're likely to act
lovingly towards them but as we already
discovered we don't control the thoughts
that arise in our minds so therefore we
don't determine our actions right I know
that's a big a big statement and I don't
want you to believe me look for yourself
if you don't control the thoughts that
arise in your mind and your actions are
determined by thoughts then do you
determine your actions you can also look
at it in another way as in let's see if
you will basically do you always do what
you want
are there some moments that you really
want to do something and you just can't
get yourself to do it if you controlled
your actions you would just do always
what you wanted well there's some things
that you want to stop doing so bad but
you just can't if you control your
actions and your thoughts you would be
able to so the fact that we can't always
do what we want is another indication
that we really don't control our actions
or the thoughts that control our actions
so if you don't determine your actions
if you don't control them then you're
not to blame for them really and don't
believe me look I know if I don't
control it and I'm not to blame for it
just like the car accident that we watch
outside the window
if we can if we didn't control the
accident we wouldn't think we're to
blame so if we don't control our own
actions then we're not to blame and if
we're not to blame for it ah it happened
it's just a product of what we were
taught and the thoughts that arise in
our mind inner our own life history and
unique set of experiences are
conditioning there's nothing we can do
about it so we're off the hook it
doesn't help to feel guilty we tend to
think that feeling guilty means at least
I care and guilt means I care guilt
doesn't mean you care guilt just means
you're believing that what you did was
bad and that you are to blame for it but
that doesn't help you to stop acting in
the same way if you want to stop acting
the way that you did in the past you
need to discover what thoughts made you
act that way and then you need to stop
believing those thoughts figure out why
those thoughts aren't true and then you
can act differently in the future
because as you may have come to discover
just feeling guilty about something we
did in the past doesn't help us to stop
acting in that way so to review what we
just spoke about if you want to know how
to forgive yourself or if you want to
forgive yourself first question do I
know that what I did will lead will end
up being bad for the victim do I know
all the effects is it possible is it
possible that they'll wind up happier
because of it do I know and the other
questions to ask ourself is am I to
blame for what happened did I control
the thoughts that are rose in my mind
then I control the thoughts that
determined what actions I would commit
am i in control of my own actions why
would I act unloving Lee if I was in
control I wouldn't so then both of those
can help us to discover
we don't know whether what happened was
bad and we're not even to blame for what
happened so you're not to blame for what
happened and you don't know whether what
happened was bad
for you the victim life the world we
don't know so you can take it easy on
yourself and if you want to make sure
you don't do the same thing again look
to see what stories you were telling in
the moment that you did that action or
said that thing so I hope you enjoyed
this video or found it helpful please
don't hesitate to contact me or comment
if you have any further questions
you