NLP Trainer Dr. Matt - Rapport Video Lecture | Neuro-Linguistic Programming: A Practical Hands-on Course - Personal Learning

welcome to the NLP course on rapport
hope you've been enjoying the classes so
far I know that it's been great
information and we're now building on
sensory acuity so you should have just
covered sensory acuity being able to
look outside yourself and see those
subtle differences those changes and now
we're gonna get get into how do you
utilize that to establish rapport now I
was takin a lot of NLP trainings early
on when I was a teenager and for me
rapport is one of the most amazing
techniques that came out of NLP to
really establish that foundation of
gaining some congruence inside yourself
as a teenager I was going through what a
lot of teenagers would go through and
that's that awkward growth spurt some of
your friends are taller others aren't as
tall some of your friends that you had
in elementary school you're not friends
with anymore a couple of them became
extremely popular other ones not as
popular and remember when all of those
things were so important you know how do
I maintain that connection with a person
how do I get connections with new people
because new friends were coming along
interest in girls back then obviously
beginning to grow and that thinking that
comes along with that and that desire
for a relationship and when I took the
NLP training
I was about 11 and my first experience
as you guys have already heard was with
that firewalk and then I went for that
weekend training and we learned a little
bit about rapport there a lot about rep
systems and anchoring when I went on to
become a practitioner of NLP rapport
really taught me something very
important and that is that you are in
charge of the results that you get in
your communication with another person
and that people like people who are like
themselves and that this communication
that you have comes out at a very
unconscious level body language you know
sometimes people say to me in the
trainings why do you respond to things
the way that you normally do I said what
do you mean one lady said well a person
will share their problem in the audience
and they'll say here's my I have a
phobia love phobias there we go that
response right
and this lady goes you talk like you
love phobias like they're so fantastic
and I said here's the alternative I sit
there and I go like this
ooh you have a phobia hmm
that's interesting no what is my
physiology saying well it's
communicating volumes my words listen to
my words wow you have a phobia
interesting same words different
physiology and when I learned this I
realized that my friends my teachers my
parents were all communicating with more
than just words and it was so helpful in
high school and really I became friends
with almost everyone I remember in my
yearbook one of my friends signed in my
yearbook Matt James the person who was
friends with everyone I wonder how he
did that wink wink because he had done
an NLP training and he had learned how
to do that as well and it totally
transformed his life I was out in the
East Coast and I was in Pennsylvania no
I'm sorry I was in specifically I was up
in Erie and I was doing a training for a
group of people amazing businessman a
couple of huge companies there a couple
of businesswomen there in the training
as well who also were running major
corporations and I remember getting that
group together first of all being able
to establish rapport with that group
because they all came in wanting to
learn things but they also came in with
these preconceived ideas about what NLP
was and what NLP wasn't and the person
that brought me in the head of this
group of organizations he said that the
week before I got there that these
people spent so much time researching
how awful NLP was he said I fully
expected based on who these men and
women were that they were just gonna
absolutely come out with their guns
a-blazing and completely tear apart
everything you had to say he said by the
first segment the first hour and a half
he goes I don't know what you did but
the entire group was responding to you
he said the entire group was listening
to what you had to say they were
following along he said with the
exception of one person and he said when
you came back from lunch
you got that one person
he goes I paid attention after that
because I've never seen anyone come in
and get that group together on the same
page
he took the skills that he learned with
rapport I was there for a five-day
training he took rapport alone he went
down to Panama and opened up the ability
to bring shifts through the Panama Canal
instantly he worked with this politician
utilizing NLP based rapport techniques
and the guy absolutely without a doubt
nobody I had a person say to me were
bribes involved no no no bribes no
exchange of money and in fact this
politicians assistant wrote to the
person who I trained and said I don't
know what you did I've never seen him
sign authorization forms this quickly
usually you have to jump through some
sort of hoop and he signed it and wanted
to make sure that it got back to you
this guy called me up and he said NLP
report he said the entire training was
paid for just by opening up that route
all the way through Panama he said an
NLP based rapport is what made it
valuable for him the reason why well
before I get me the reason why NLP
rapport is so important let me first
explain what rapport is because we tend
to have a little bit of an issue in the
field of NLP of defining what rapport
really is so let's talk about rapport
rapport is a technique for
responsiveness a technique for opening
up communications rapport is a specific
set of tools and techniques to create a
responsiveness in another individual or
with a group of people rapport is not
about getting someone else to like you
that's a big misconception
I've heard a lot of people in NLP say
report is about getting people to like
you and that's because they're confused
with the saying that people tend to like
people who are like themselves liking
someone because there are like you
doesn't necessarily mean that you're
going to be friends with them that
you're going to be influenced by them
what it means is is that there's an
openness it opens up the channel of
communication now let's take a look from
my psychology background specifically
when you have rapport with someone
they are more open and receptive to
hearing what you have to say getting the
picture from what it is that you are
sharing from getting that overall
experience of here's what I have and I'm
willing to listen to you to see what
would be a different way of viewing this
possibly what would be a different way
of changing my life what would be a
different way of paying attention to
things around me when you don't have
rapport with someone what happens is you
literally close that communication NLP
based rapport is one of those things
that has been studied would 2006 looked
at people who were using NLP based
rapport and people who were not using
NLP based rapport and what he
specifically found was that there is an
openness and a responsiveness when you
use specifically NLP based rapport
techniques well having grown up with the
stuff I kind of knew he was gonna find
that result however how amazing that we
have that type of research to validate
this now so why would rapport be so
important the reason why rapport would
be so important is that it literally
gives you a specific set of tools and
techniques that opens up the channel of
communication between you and another
individual if you're working with
someone and you have rapport with them
you're able to go in there and share
information and provide feedback I've
been managing since I was 18 and a lot
of what I learned in the early days of
NLP was applied directly to business and
when I would go in to share feedback
with someone to do an employee
evaluation I worked in human resources
for a while when you have rapport the
person is more apt to listen to what you
have to say they are more open to that
communication they get a better feel for
what it is that you're saying in
relationships when you have rapport with
your family with your friends with your
partner you have that ability to open up
that channel of communication and
overcome obstacles my wife and I have
been together now for 10 years as I'm
filming this and known each other since
1993
and we encounter bumps in the road like
everyone else does
we have a boy who's about to become a
teenager and in fact today we had a
specific discussion about him and to
know that the two of us were on the same
page that we had that level of
communication and
openness even though I'm seeing the
issue in one way she's seeing in another
way we were able to come together and
figure out what do we need to do to
assist him in growing and evolving on
his path without rapport you're just
bumping up against people this is my
point of view well this is my point of
view hmm conflict yeah with rapport it
opens up the channel of communication
what about in your own health and
fitness getting healthy and fit in your
own body
the Milton Erickson who these techniques
were specifically modeled after said
patients are patients because they are
out of rapport with their unconscious
mind think about that for a second when
you lose rapport with your unconscious
mind when you lose that rapport inside
what does that do what does that say
imagine what that means when you have a
rapport inside that ability to wake up
and say you know what today I need to
exercise and your body responds your
behaviors reflect your thoughts that
only comes from having rapport so the
reason why rapport is so important is
that it opens up the communication
internally and externally with others by
having that communication you have a
responsiveness that isn't just known in
NLP
it's absolutely validated through the
research that's out there okay so let's
get into what rapport is now I'm looking
down here at the manual hopefully you
have a page in your manual that says
rapport take that out and go ahead and
take a look at it now and it says right
here that communication is much more
than the words that we speak it is both
verbal and nonverbal at any given time
we are communicating more than what we
are just saying in fact the nonverbal
communication is far more meaningful
than the words and here's a study that's
cited seven percent thirty eight percent
fifty-five seven percent being words 38%
tonality 55% physiology now I have to
tell you if you've done any google
searches on this you're gonna find some
websites that absolutely say this study
was done and it was based on incongruent
communication they were looking for it
to be mostly physiology and guess what I
agree with that
watch carefully now are you ready the
trains going to arrive at 10:30 I bet
you you picked up right away with the
sensory acuity that you just learned
that my physiology was expressing
something opposite than the word that I
was saying now watch this the trains
going to arrive at 10:30
how congruent was that it spoke volumes
and yet you were able to focus in on the
words we most notice listen carefully
now we most notice the 55% being
physiology when there is an incongruence
between the words and the physiology but
here's the deal when there's no
incongruence when your physiology is
backing up the words we tend to
consciously focus in on the words
themselves what this tells me here and
most follow-up studies have found in
fact in the research that I've done and
in the psychology textbooks that I
looked at in my degree program that
physiology is usually in that 50 to 60
percent range that tonality is usually
in that 25 to 30 percent range and words
are usually in that 7 10 highest I've
ever seen it is 20% the highest I've
ever seen is 20% words 30 tonal and 50%
physiology so what this means is that
the bulk of what we are communicating to
another person isn't coming from the
words isn't coming from the tonality
it's coming from the physiology the
second biggest portion of our
communication is from the tonality and
the smallest amount that we are
communicating is the words now let me
give you a real world example of this
email I remember when email first came
out and this is back in the 90s and this
lady that I was working with phenomenal
woman great business woman lives down in
Australia extremely successful she sends
me this email and I'm reading it I'm on
my computer I'm reading it and I'm like
why is she so pissed off why is she like
and I picked up the phone and I called
her and I said what's going on I thought
everything was fine and she goes
everything is fine and I went yeah but
you sent me this email and she said yeah
I was really excited when I was writing
the email and I went back and read it
with an excited happy tone and I read
the email in a completely different way
come on how many of you have ever read
an email and put a different tone on it
and gotten an entirely different
response
Nickolas our other trainer whom you've
already seen in the presentations
pointed out that's why they created
those little you know icons or emoji
that they put on the iPhones you know
you can put a smiley face on it so
people get the point hey look physiology
then you can hallucinate a positive tone
on that we crave for tonality we crave
for physiology the reason why this
information is so important is that the
bulk of our communication is coming from
physiology and tonality and in studies
of psychology your tone and your
physiology are a function of unconscious
behavior that means that the bulk of
your communication is in the control of
it is directed by your unconscious mind
so when you see someone say oh I really
like that they don't know that they're
making that facial expression they don't
know that they have that physiology you
as a gifted practitioner of NLP are able
to see that with your sensory acuity and
immediately pinpoint there's an
incongruence here now how can we begin
to use this I'll get to that in a moment
what I want to do is I want to finish up
a little bit of the things that fall
under these categories here rapport is
established by matching and mirroring
matching is very simple if you would
please go ahead and raise your right
hand and as I raise my right hand I am
now matching you this is matching so you
there with your right hand raised even
if I turn like this I'm still matching
you now if you keep your right hand up
and I do this I'm now mirroring you so
NLP uses the term matching and mirroring
that is matching and/or mirroring
another person's physiology so that you
can establish rapport because remember
people like people who are like
themselves so if you match and mirror
the bulk of where communication is that
is
physiology you are then able to
establish a level of rapport because at
the unconscious level the person is
sitting there going wow this individual
is a lot like me
no here's the funny thing usually at
this point during the training I tell
everyone okay everyone freeze and I'll
walk on into a group with 5 10 15 200
people in the room and I'll begin to
pinpoint where we naturally match and
mirror each other and literally by this
time in the presentation people
unconsciously are matching and mirroring
each other next time you're out with
another person next time you're meeting
an individual or if you're around
someone you already have a great deal of
rapport with notice that you sit in a
similar way that would be the posture
under the 55 percent there notice that
you have similar gestures think of
facial expressions blinking breathing
these are all things that you can match
and mirror with physiology that falls
under the physiology component tonality
if you take a look at the slide that we
have up now tonality tone pitch tempo
that speed timbre that's quality volume
is loudness so under tonality you have
these four different aspects and then
under the words themselves you also have
matching predicates key words common
experiences and content chunks so the
basis of rapport right here is that when
people are like each other they tend to
like each other the NLP processes
rapport isn't about getting someone to
like you it's about responsiveness so
the way it is done is is done through
matching and mirroring so let's talk
specifically about how to match and
mirror how to match and mirror is very
simple first of all my best
recommendation is that you do this in a
way that's comfortable if you're not
able to cross your legs with your leg
all the way over don't do it if that's
not comfortable for you when I sit down
and I'm first meeting someone and I'm
having a business meeting with them what
I'll do is I'll cross my legs if they're
crossing their legs in a way that's
comfortable for me the next thing is
that you want to avoid mimicking kids
learn how to match and mirror at a very
early age my daughter's in kindergarten
now
and she was in preschool a couple years
ago a number going to her preschool and
I'm watching her out on the playground
and a kids doing one thing and she
starts doing the exact same thing and
I'm watching going she's learning
matching and mirroring and she came home
and we're sitting at the dinner table
and I go to pick up the fork and she
picks up the fork right along the time
that I do it and I totally see that and
I go like this and I it's my face and
she goes and she inches her face biggest
mistake that I see people making when
they first learn matching and mirroring
is they think that they need to do it
right away when the person is actually
making that physiological movement
that's not the way it works here's the
key and if you're taking notes I want
you to write this down you need to match
and mirror outside of the conscious
awareness of the individual so in other
words let's say you right now crossed
your arms
well I wouldn't immediately go like this
I would wait and while you're talking I
might sit back in my chair and cross my
arms and match a mirror you if you then
move your arms
I wouldn't go and do it right along with
you I would wait if your arms then moved
I would just gently on in a very
comfortable way undo my arms and put my
arms by the side so in other words you
want to do it in a way where you are
pacing the other person's experience and
NLP terms is called pacing and leading
pacing is where you're looking at the
client and you are pacing their
experience by matching and mirroring
their physiology their tone with tone
pitch speed loudness those are really
good pitch and quality though by the way
if a person speaks at a very high pitch
or their quality of voice is such a way
that you cannot do it without it
becoming mimicking then don't do it I
was working with a lady who had a very
high pitched tone of voice I don't
I didn't match that however she talked
very slow very methodically with a lot
of conscious intention and so I slowed
down my speed I lowered my voice a
little bit but I still talked in my
pitch and my quality so please make sure
that you respect the fact that other
people talking to
from way matching mirror what you can
and be comfortable with it
gestures going back to gestures hand
movements I had a person that I worked
with in a training came up on stage for
one of the demos and I said to the
person so why is that you came up here
on the demo and he said I really want to
be able to let go of this in congruence
that I have and while he was doing this
I didn't sit there going
that would be mimicking that would be
inside the conscious awareness and the
person would sit there and go what are
you doing it's not as comfortable for me
to move my hands that rapidly like he
was doing so what did I do
when he was done talking I said well I'm
so glad that you came up here on stage
that's fantastic I'm so grateful for you
coming up here smaller gestures more
comfortable for me he didn't even notice
outside of his awareness by the end of
the process that we did demos that you
will be seeing during this training
you're gonna see that the client has a
positive amazing experience and that is
on in large part because of this
foundation of rapport with predicates
key words there was a person that called
me up on the phone because by the way
you can do rapport and matching and
mirroring over the phone this person
calls me up on the phone and they said
look I've called these other NLP
training companies and I want to know
what do you have to offer because listen
listen listen this is really important
for me and then he describes something
that was so important something that he
wanted to achieve in his own personal
life an improvement in his relationship
he said I'm really coming here to learn
about relationship so I explained to him
about relationships and he goes now
listen listen listen am I gonna be able
to do this without my partner being
there because she's not gonna be able to
come I said of course and I said now
here are some other things that you're
gonna get with this training and he goes
okay now listen listen listen listen and
I went okay well that's three times
listen listen listen I didn't do it
right away and towards the end of the
conversation I said let me tell you
about this upcoming training
specifically so listen listen listen
this is really important and there were
silence and he goes I'm so glad I talked
to you finally someone has listened to
me and I said cool he goes am I gonna
learn what you just did I said you bet
on day one we get right into report
immediately because when you
open up that channel of communication
positive things occur I had a person one
time say to me what if you get into this
rapport with someone and you know like
with a waitress one of my students went
out to dinner that night matching mirror
to waitress and the waitress bought him
a free piece of pie
he said is that fair is that ecological
is it ethical I got free pie just from
matching and mirroring and I said did
you leave a larger tip and he went yeah
you bet I said so there was a good
exchange of energy and besides she was
the manager so she had authority to give
you that free piece of pie I said only
positiveness comes from matching and
marrying when you open up that
responsiveness that openness well what
they found in the study by would 2006 is
that the people that practiced NLP based
rapport in a sales setting got a
positive response from the person that
they were talking with regardless of
whether or not the person actually
purchased the product so in other words
I practice rapport the person is happy
whether or not they craft and whether or
not they made the purchase this other
trainer this other person this other
group that didn't practice the NLP based
rapport didn't get the same positive
response in fact they got more negative
feedback they were seen as being pushy
not open there's the key not open no
movement no line of communication so NLP
based rapport absolutely helps you with
that the other things that you can match
and mirror from a words perspective is
predicates key words common experiences
and content chunks so big picture here
let's go back now big picture NLP based
rapport what you're doing is you are
opening up the channel of communication
through responsiveness and you establish
that open line of communication by
matching and mirroring so how you
establish rapport is through matching
and mirroring if a person sits down next
to you you slowly comfortably in a way
that works for you begin to match and
mirror their posture their gestures
their facial expression their blinking
their breathing and you might be sitting
there going well what about the tonality
as they begin to talk listen to their
pitch their speed their quality
their volume and what you do is you do
your best to match and mirror that how
about the predicate ski words common
experiences content chunk all of those
all the way down to that initial
handshake ever walked out and gone to
shake hands with someone and the hand is
like a wet noodle and you're expecting
something firm almost an instant rapport
breaker what about that person that
reaches out and tries to squeeze your
hand off they want to give you the body
builder handshake could be an almost an
instant rapport breaker when you reach
out and you shake the hand you squeeze
and match and mirror that that's almost
an instant rapport builder when working
with someone so how do you do this again
outside of the conscious awareness of
the individual you match and mirror
these things that are here on the page
that's labeled rapport posture gestures
facial expression blinking breathing
tone tempo timbre volume predicates key
words common experiences and content
chunks outside of the awareness of the
individual it takes practice it takes
practice doing this with a person
one-on-one it takes practice doing this
with your friends and family begin with
them because you know that's what
friends and family are for Guinea
pigging NLP techniques it's a joke just
in case your sensory acuity hadn't fully
kicked in yet in all seriousness though
I went home I did matching and mirroring
with my stepmother with my father with
my brother I was only 13 I started
matching and mirroring my friends and
guess what until it became mimicking no
one even knew no one had a clue I one
time had a person come over to the
office and this is just in case you're
going well what if someone does catch
you what if what if they catch you
matching and mirroring probably only
other NLP people are going to do that I
was in the office when we were back in
Honolulu and a couple came in to see me
and they walked in the door and they
started talking to me and one of them
standing across the hall the other was
standing next to me and all of a sudden
he goes like this oh look how good he is
he's crossing his legs like how you are
and he's nodding while I'm talking just
like I'm doing god you're matching her
with your lower half and you're matching
me with the upper half and then she
looks across at me and she goes
stop matching
mirroring me and I went okay so in other
words stop attempting to open up the
communication don't match in Miramichi
oh yeah don't I said wait you just
matching mirrored me she said you
stopped doing that I said okay you
stopped wait I'm doing it oh my god we
started laughing and I said look here's
the deal I wasn't doing it consciously
it's become an unconscious behavior at
this point I've been doing this now for
30 years what if someone catches you
well then stop doing it that obviously
and learn how to tone it back a notch if
while you're doing it you're not getting
the response that you want then what you
do is increase what you are matching and
mirroring bring it up you got to find
that middle ground there that middle
ground of if you go too far it's
mimicking but if you don't do enough you
don't have rapport you got to find it
kind of find that balance there in the
middle and allow it to become an
unconscious process so that's what
matching and mirroring is that's how you
do it now let's tackle a couple of other
big-picture questions that we have here
what if you're working with someone and
you want to be able to match and mirror
something that you're unable to see well
in that case what you want to do is you
want to do what's called crossover
matching and mirroring so if I'm working
with someone and their foot is tapping
but they can't see my feet well I could
tap my finger on my arm like this ever
so gently and those things will allow
you to then connect up what they are
doing with their feet and what you are
doing with your fingers now the way you
know you have rapport so a lot of people
ask well how am I going to know if I
have rapport or not what if I'm doing it
what's going to allow me to know what
are those indicators of rapport well in
fact if you look at the next page in
your manual the four indicators of
rapport there's a kinesthetic there's an
auditory a visual and an auditory
digital so the kinesthetic one is you
get that warm fuzzy feeling so what if
you're working with someone and you're
doing matching and mirroring and you
feel really good and they have a like a
a warm fuzzy and they say it feels
really good to talk to you well that's
one of the indicators right now another
one might be a visual so you're working
with the person let's say I bring
someone up on stage with me and all of a
sudden I see a color
shift as I'm talking to them it's as if
they're responding to my words using
your sensory acuity you can pick up
those color shifts that's the visual
auditory the person may say something
they may say that's so great talking to
you I feel like you really listened to
me
I really am open to the ideas that
you're sharing I'd love to hear more
well that would be an auditory so that
would be as if you knew the person
before that kind of auditory response
that's the other indicator and then
finally auditory digital it's called
leading and a lot of NLP talks about
pacing and leading if I start matching
and mirroring a person and then I go and
make a movement and they then move after
I move that means I've started off
pacing them now I'm leading them that
means that you have established firm and
deep rapport you have established that
level of rapport that open communication
is there and you now have that
responsiveness those indicators will
allow you to know as an individual you
have established that level of rapport
so when I taught this person that
rapport in the training that I did out
there in Erie he said it goes I only
learned it you did a 30-minute
presentation on rapport that's all I got
to know and I go all the way down there
to Panama I have a translator this
person is having to help me translate
and as I'm talking to this person just
outside of their awareness as they were
crossing their arms he goes I would sit
there and cross my arms when he would
breathe in to say something I would
breathe in he goes I noticed that when
he talked he did a lot of nodding and
every once in a while he would go like
this and he said while I was talking to
this person every once in a while I
would go like this and he said all of a
sudden I saw this color shift like he
was responding to what I had to say and
he said sure enough he goes it saved the
company close to a quarter of a million
dollars of going down there repeatedly
of having to hire other people he goes I
went down there he goes all I did was
matching and mirroring within five
minutes this guy is talking to me about
his family about his friends about how
amazing Panama is he said truly in a
short presentation
just practicing these very simple
techniques of matching and mirroring he
was able to establish this in a business
setting instantaneously and get a
specific result that literally affected
his bottom line so practice your rapport
practice it with people you know
practice with people that you don't know
and get really good at it because it is
a massive part a huge foundation in NLP
I hope you enjoyed this presentation and
I look forward to seeing you in another
one thank you so much for taking the
next step to learn more about NLP and
how will empower your life I'm here at
one of our events in Newport Beach
California and if you haven't done so
already go ahead and click on one of
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training that's nearest you remember now
space is limited we limit the group size
so please do take advantage of this
opportunity now I'm going to be there
with you live experiencing the entire
event
and so again while you're thinking about
it go ahead and click on one of those
buttons and I look forward to meeting
you there
take care Aloha