NLP Trainer Dr. Matt - Rapport Video Lecture | Neuro-Linguistic Programming: A Practical Hands-on Course - Personal Learning

welcome to the NLP course on rapport
hope you've been enjoying the classes so
far I know that it's been great
information and we're now building on
sensory acuity so you should have just
covered sensory acuity being able to
look outside yourself and see those
subtle differences those changes and now
we're gonna get get into how do you
utilize that to establish rapport now I
was takin a lot of NLP trainings early
on when I was a teenager and for me
rapport is one of the most amazing
techniques that came out of NLP to
really establish that foundation of
gaining some congruence inside yourself
as a teenager I was going through what a
lot of teenagers would go through and
that's that awkward growth spurt some of
your friends are taller others aren't as
tall some of your friends that you had
in elementary school you're not friends
with anymore a couple of them became
extremely popular other ones not as
popular and you remember when all of
those things were so important you know
how do I maintain that connection with a
person how do I get connections with new
people because new friends were coming
along interest in girls back then
obviously beginning to grow and that
thinking that comes along with that and
that desire for a relationship and when
I took the NLP training I was about 11
and my first experience as you guys have
already heard was with that firewalk and
then I went for that weekend training
and we learned a little bit about
rapport there a lot about rep systems
and anchoring when I went on to become a
practitioner of NLP rapport really
taught me something very important and
that is that you are in charge of the
results that you get in your
communication with another person and
that people like people who are like
themselves and that this communication
that you have comes out at a very
unconscious level body language you know
sometimes people say to me in the
trainings why do you respond to things
the way that you normally do I said what
do you mean one lady said well a person
will share their problem in the audience
and they'll say here's my I have a
phobia love phobias there we go that
response right
and this lady goes you talk like you
love phobias like they're so fantastic
and I said here's the alternative I sit
there and I go like this ooh you have a
phobia hmm that's interesting
no what is my physiology saying well
it's communicating volumes my words
listen to my words wow you have a phobia
interesting same words different
physiology and when I learned this I
realized that my friends my teachers my
parents were all communicating with more
than just words and it was so helpful in
high school and really I became friends
with almost everyone I remember in my
yearbook
one of my friends signed in my yearbook
Matt James the person who was friends
with everyone I wonder how he did that
wink wink because he had done an NLP
training and he had learned how to do
that as well and it totally transformed
his life I was out in the East Coast and
I was in Pennsylvania no I'm sorry I was
in specifically I was up in Erie and I
was doing a training for a group of
people amazing businessman a couple of
huge companies there a couple of
businesswomen there in the training as
well who also were running major
corporations and I remember getting that
group together first of all being able
to establish rapport with that group
because they all came in wanting to
learn things but they also came in with
these preconceived ideas about what NLP
was and what NLP wasn't and the person
that brought me in the head of this
group of organizations he said that the
week before I got there that these
people spent so much time researching
how awful NLP was he said I fully
expected based on who these men and
women were that they were just gonna
absolutely come out with their guns
a-blazing and completely tear apart
everything you had to say he said by the
first segment the first hour and a half
he goes I don't know what you did but
the entire group was responding to you
he said the entire group was listening
to what you had to say they were
following along he said with the
exception of one person and he said when
you came back from lunch
you got that one person
he goes I paid attention after that
because I've never seen anyone come in
and get that group together on the same
page
he took the skills that he learned with
rapport I was there for a five-day
training he took rapport alone he went
down to Panama and opened up the ability
to bring ships to the Panama Canal
instantly he worked with this politician
utilizing NLP based rapport techniques
and the guy absolutely without a doubt
nobody I had a person say to me were
bribes involved no no no bribes no
exchange of money and in fact this
politicians assistant wrote to the
person who I trained and said I don't
know what you did I've never seen him
sign authorization forms this quickly
usually you have to jump through some
sort of hoop and he signed it and wanted
to make sure that it got back to you
this guy called me up and he said NLP
report he said the entire training was
paid for just by opening up that route
all the way through Panama he said an
NLP based rapport is what made it
valuable for him the reason why well
before I get me the reason why NLP
rapport is so important let me first
explain what rapport is because we tend
to have a little bit of an issue in the
field of NLP of defining what rapport
really is so let's talk about rapport
rapport is a technique for
responsiveness a technique for opening
up communications rapport is a specific
set of tools and techniques to create a
responsiveness in another individual or
with a group of people rapport is not
about getting someone else to like you
that's a big misconception I've heard a
lot of people in NLP say reporters about
getting people to like you and that's
because they're confused with the saying
that people tend to like people who are
like themselves liking someone because
there are like you doesn't necessarily
mean that you're going to be friends
with them that you're going to be
influenced by them what it means is is
that there's an openness it opens up the
channel of communication now let's take
a look from my psychology background
specifically when you have rapport with
someone
they are more open and receptive to
hearing what you have to say getting the
picture from what it is that you are
sharing from getting that overall
experience of here's what I have and I'm
willing to listen to you to see what
would be a different way of viewing this
possibly what would be a different way
of changing my life what would be a
different way of paying attention to
things around me when you don't have
rapport with someone what happens is you
literally close that communication NLP
based rapport is one of those things
that has been studied would 2006 looked
at people who were using NLP based
rapport and people who were not using
NLP based rapport and what he
specifically found was that there is an
openness and a responsiveness when you
use specifically NLP based rapport
techniques well having grown up with
this stuff I kind of knew he was going
to find that result however how amazing
that we have that type of research to
validate this now so why would rapport
be so important the reason why rapport
would be so important is that it
literally gives you a specific set of
tools and techniques that opens up the
channel of communication between you and
another individual if you're working
with someone and you have rapport with
them you're able to go in there and
share information and provide feedback
I've been managing since I was 18 and a
lot of what I learned in the early days
of NLP was applied directly to business
and when I would go in to share feedback
with someone to do an employee
evaluation I worked in human resources
for a while when you have rapport the
person is more apt to listen to what you
have to say they are more open to that
communication they get a better feel for
what it is that you're saying in
relationships when you have rapport with
your family with your friends with your
partner you have that ability to open up
that channel of communication and
overcome obstacles my wife and I have
been together now for 10 years as I'm
filming this and known each other since
1993 and we encounter bumps in the road
like everyone else does
we have a boy who's about to become a
teenager and in fact today we had a
specific discussion about him and to
know that the two of us were on the same
page that we had that level of
communication and
- even though I'm seeing the issue in
one way she's seeing in another way we
were able to come together and figure
out what do we need to do to assist him
in growing and evolving on his path
without rapport you're just bumping up
against people this is my point of view
well this is my point of view hmm
conflict yeah with rapport it opens up
the channel of communication what about
in your own health and fitness getting
healthy and fit in your own body
the Milton Erickson who these techniques
were specifically modeled after said
patients are patients because they are
out of rapport with their unconscious
mind think about that for a second when
you lose rapport with your unconscious
mind when you lose that rapport inside
what does that do what does that say
imagine what that means when you have a
rapport inside that ability to wake up
and say you know what today I need to
exercise and your body responds your
behaviors reflect your thoughts that
only comes from having rapport so the
reason why rapport is so important is
that it opens up the communication
internally and externally with others by
having that communication you have a
responsiveness that isn't just known in
NLP it's absolutely validated through
the research that's out there okay so
let's get into what rapport is now I'm
looking down here at the manual
hopefully you have a page in your manual
that says rapport take that out and go
ahead and take a look at it now and it
says right here that communication is
much more than the words that we speak
it is both verbal and nonverbal and any
given time we are communicating more
than what we are just saying in fact the
nonverbal communication is far more
meaningful than the words and here's a
study that's cited seven percent thirty
eight percent fifty-five seven percent
being words 38% tonality 55% physiology
now I have to tell you if you've done
any google searches on this you're gonna
find some websites that absolutely say
this study was done and it was based on
incongruent communication they were
looking for it to be mostly physiology
and guess what I agree with that
watch carefully
are you ready the trains going to arrive
at 10:30 I bet you you picked up right
away with the sensory acuity that you
just learned that my physiology was
expressing something opposite than the
word that I was saying now watch this
the trains going to arrive at 10:30
how congruent was that it spoke volumes
and yet you were able to focus in on the
words we most notice listen carefully
now we most notice the 55% being
physiology when there is an incongruence
between the words and the physiology but
here's the deal when there's no
incongruence when your physiology is
backing up the words we tend to
consciously focus in on the words
themselves what this tells me here and
most follow-up studies have found in
fact in the research that I've done and
in the psychology textbooks that I
looked at in my degree program that
physiology is usually in that 50 to 60
percent range that tonality is usually
in that 25 to 30 percent range and words
are usually in that 7 10 highest I've
ever seen it is 20% the highest I've
ever seen is 20% words 30 tonal and 50%
physiology so what this means is that
the bulk of what we are communicating to
another person isn't coming from the
words isn't coming from the tonality
it's coming from the physiology the
second-biggest portion of our
communication is from the tonality and
the smallest amount that we are
communicating is the words now let me
give you a real world example of this
email I remember when email first came
out and this is back in the 90s and this
lady that I was working with phenomenal
woman great business woman lives down in
Australia extremely successful she sends
me this email and I'm reading it I'm on
my computer I'm reading it and I'm like
why is she so pissed off why is she like
and I picked up the phone and I called
her and I said what's going on I thought
everything was fine and she goes
everything is fine
and yeah but you sent me this email and
she said yeah I was really excited when
I was writing the email and I went back
and read it
with an excited happy tone and I read
the email in a completely different way
come on how many of you have ever read
an email and put a different tone on it
and gotten an entirely different
response
Nickolas our other trainer whom you've
already seen in the presentations
pointed out that's why they created
those little you know icons or emoji
that they put on the iPhones you know
you can put a smiley face on it so
people get the point hey look physiology
then you can hallucinate a positive tone
on that we crave for tonality we crave
for physiology the reason why this
information is so important is that the
bulk of our communication is coming from
physiology and tonality and in studies
of psychology your tone and your
physiology are a function of unconscious
behavior that means that the bulk of
your communication is in the control of
it is directed by your unconscious mind
so when you see someone say oh I really
like that they don't know that they're
making that facial expression they don't
know that they have that physiology you
as a gifted practitioner of NLP are able
to see that with your sensory acuity and
immediately pinpoint there's an
incongruence here now how can we begin
to use this I'll get to that in a moment
what I want to do is I want to finish up
a little bit of the things that fall
under these categories here rapport is
established by matching and mirroring
matching is very simple if you would
please go ahead and raise your right
hand and as I raise my right hand I am
now matching you this is matching so you
there with your right hand raised even
if I turn like this I'm still matching
you now if you keep your right hand up
and I do this I'm now mirroring you so
NLP uses the term matching and mirroring
that is matching and/or mirroring
another person's physiology so that you
can establish rapport because remember
people like people who are like
themselves so if you match and mirror
the bulk of where communication is that
is the physiology
you are then able to establish a level
of rapport because at the unconscious
level the person sitting there going wow
this individual is a lot like me no
here's the funny thing
usually at this point during the
training I tell everyone ok everyone
freeze and I'll walk on into a group
with 5 10 15 200 people in the room and
I'll begin to pinpoint where we
naturally match and mirror each other
and literally by this time in the
presentation people unconsciously are
matching and mirroring each other next
time you're out with another person next
time you're meeting an individual or if
you're around someone you already have a
great deal of rapport with notice that
you sit in a similar way that would be
the posture under the 55 percent there
notice that you have similar gestures
think of facial expressions blinking
breathing these are all things that you
can match and mirror with physiology
that falls under the physiology
component tonality if you take a look at
the slide that we have up now tonality
tone pitch tempo that speed timbre
that's quality volume is loudness so
under tonality you have these four
different aspects and then under the
words themselves you also have matching
predicates key words common experiences
and content chunks so the basis of
rapport right here is that when people
are like each other they tend to like
each other the NLP processes rapport
isn't about getting someone to like you
it's about responsiveness so the way it
is done is is done through matching and
mirroring so let's talk specifically
about how to match and mirror how to
match and mirror is very simple first of
all my best recommendation is that you
do this in a way that's comfortable if
you're not able to cross your legs with
your leg all the way over don't do it if
that's not comfortable for you when I
sit down and I'm first meeting someone
and I'm having a business meeting with
them what I'll do is I'll cross my legs
if they're crossing their legs in a way
that's comfortable for me the next thing
is that you want to avoid mimicking kids
learn how to match and mirror at a very
early age my daughter's in kindergarten
now
and she was in preschool a couple years
ago and amber going to her preschool and
I'm watching her out on the playground
and a kids doing one thing and she
starts doing the exact same thing and
I'm watching going she's learning
matching and mirroring and she came home
and we're sitting at the dinner table
and I go to pick up the fork and she
picks up the fork right along the time
that I do it and I totally see that and
I go like this and I itch my face and
she goes and she inches her face biggest
mistake that I see people making when
they first learn matching and mirroring
is they think that they need to do it
right away when the person is actually
making that physiological movement
that's not the way it works here's the
key and if you're taking notes I want
you to write this down you need to match
and mirror outside of the conscious
awareness of the individual so in other
words let's say you right now cross your
arms
well I wouldn't immediately go like this
I would wait and while you're talking I
might sit back in my chair and cross my
arms and match a mirror you if you then
move your arms
I wouldn't go and do it right along with
you I would wait if your arms then moved
I would just gently on in a very
comfortable way undo my arms and put my
arms by the side so in other words you
want to do it in a way where you are
pacing the other person's experience and
NLP terms is called pacing and leading
pacing is where you're looking at the
client and you are pacing their
experience by matching and mirroring
their physiology their tone with tone
pitch speed loudness those are really
good pitch and quality though by the way
if a person speaks at a very high pitch
or their quality of voice is such a way
that you cannot do it without it
becoming mimicking then don't do it I
was working with a lady who had a very
high pitched tone of voice I don't
I didn't match that however she talked
very slow very methodically with a lot
of conscious intention and so I slowed
down my speed I lowered my voice a
little bit but I still talked in my
pitch and my quality so please make sure
that you respect the fact that other
people talk in a different way
matching mirror what you can and be
comfortable with it gestures going back
to gestures hand movements I had a
person that I worked with in a training
came up on stage for one of the demos
and I said to the person so why is that
you came up here on the demo and he said
I really want to be able to let go of
this in congruence that I have and while
he was doing this I didn't sit there
going
that would be mimicking that would be
inside the conscious awareness and the
person would sit there and go what are
you doing it's not as comfortable for me
to move my hands that rapidly like he
was doing so what did I do when he was
done talking I said well I'm so glad
that you came up here on stage that's
fantastic
I'm so grateful for you coming up here
smaller gestures more comfortable for me
he didn't even notice outside of his
awareness by the end of the process that
we did demos that you will be seeing
during this training you're gonna see
that the client has a positive amazing
experience and that is on in large part
because of this foundation of rapport
with predicates key words there was a
person that called me up on the phone
because by the way you can do rapport
and matching and mirroring over the
phone this person calls me up on the
phone and they said look I've called
these other NLP training companies and I
want to know what do you have to offer
because listen listen listen this is
really important for me and then he
describes something that was so
important something that he wanted to
achieve in his own personal life
an improvement in his relationship he
said I'm really coming here to learn
about relationship so I explained to him
about relationships and he goes now
listen listen listen am I gonna be able
to do this without my partner being
there because she's not gonna be able to
come instead of course and I said now
here are some other things that you're
gonna get with this training and he goes
okay now listen listen listen listen and
I went okay well that's three times
listen listen listen I didn't do it
right away and towards the end of the
conversation I said let me tell you
about this upcoming training
specifically so listen listen listen
this is really important and there were
silence and he goes I'm so glad I talked
to you finally someone has listened to
me and I said cool he goes am I gonna
learn what you just did I said you bet
on day one we get right into report
immediately because when you open up
that channel of communication positive
things occur I had a person one time say
to me what if you get into this rapport
with someone and you know like with a
waitress one of my students went out to
dinner that night matching mirror to
waitress and the waitress bought him a
free piece of pie he said is that fair
is that ecological is it ethical I got
free pie just from matching and
mirroring and I said did you leave a
larger tip and he went yeah you bet I
said so there was a good exchange of
energy and besides she was the manager
so she had authority to give you that
free piece of pie I said only
positiveness comes from matching and
mirroring when you open up that
responsiveness that openness well what
they found in the study by would 2006 is
that the people that practiced NLP based
rapport in a sales setting got a
positive response from the person that
they were talking with regardless of
whether or not the person actually
purchased the product so in other words
my practice rapport the person is happy
whether or not they practice whether or
not they made the purchase this other
trainer this other person this other
group that didn't practice the NLP based
rapport didn't get the same positive
response in fact they got more negative
feedback they were seen as being pushy
not open there's the key not open no
movement no line of communication so NLP
based rapport absolutely helps you with
that the other things that you can match
and mirror from a words perspective is
predicates
key words common experiences and content
chunks so big picture here let's go back
now big picture NLP based report what
you're doing is you are opening up the
channel of communication through
responsiveness and you establish that
open line of communication by matching
and mirroring so how you establish
rapport is through matching and
mirroring if a person sits down next to
you you slowly comfortably in a way that
works for you begin to match and mirror
their posture their gestures their
facial expression their blinking their
breathing and you might be sitting there
going well what about the tonality as
they begin to talk listen to their pitch
they're
speed their quality their volume and
what you do is you do your best to match
and mirror that how about the predicate
ski words common experiences content
chunk all of those all the way down to
that initial handshake ever walked out
and gone to shake hands with someone and
the hand is like a wet noodle and you're
expecting something firm almost an
instant rapport breaker what about that
person that reaches out and tries to
squeeze your hand off they want to give
you the body builder handshake could be
an almost an instant rapport breaker
when you reach out and you shake the
hand you squeeze and match and mirror
that that's almost an instant rapport
builder when working with someone so how
do you do this again outside of the
conscious awareness of the individual
you match and mirror these things that
are here on the page that's labeled
rapport
posture gestures facial expression
blinking breathing tone tempo timbre
volume predicates key words common
experiences and content chunks outside
of the awareness of the individual it
takes practice it takes practice doing
this with a person one-on-one it takes
practice doing this with your friends
and family begin with them because you
know that's what friends and family are
for Guinea pigging NLP techniques it's a
joke just in case your sensory acuity
hadn't fully kicked in yet in all
seriousness though I went home I did
matching and mirroring with my
stepmother with my father with my
brother I was only 13 I started matching
and mirroring my friends and guess what
until it became mimicking no one even
knew no one had a clue I one time had a
person come over to the office and this
is just in case you're going well what
if someone does catch you what if what
if they catch you matching and mirroring
probably only other NLP people are going
to do that I was in the office when we
were back in Honolulu and a couple came
in to see me and they walked in the door
and they start talking to me and one of
them standing across the hall the other
one standing next to me and all of a
sudden he goes like this oh look how
good he is he's crossing his legs like
how you are and he's nodding while I'm
talking just like I'm doing god you're
matching her with your lower half and
you're matching me
with the upper half and then she looks
across at me and she goes stop matching
and mirroring me and I went okay so in
other words stop attempting to open up
the communication don't match and mirror
me she goes yeah don't I said wait you
just match in mirrored me she said you
stop doing that I said okay you stop
wait I'm doing it oh my god we started
laughing and I said look here's the deal
I wasn't doing it consciously it's
become an unconscious behavior at this
point I've been doing this now for 30
years what if someone catches you well
then stop doing it that obviously and
learn how to tone it back a notch if
while you're doing it you're not getting
the response that you want then what you
do is increase what you are matching and
mirroring bring it up you got to find
that middle ground there that middle
ground of if you go too far it's
mimicking but if you don't do enough you
don't have rapport you got to find it
kind of find that balance there in the
middle and allow it to become an
unconscious process so that's what
matching and mirroring is that's how you
do it now let's tackle a couple of other
big-picture questions that we have here
what if you're working with someone and
you want to be able to match and mirror
something that you're unable to see well
in that case what you want to do is you
want to do what's called crossover
matching and mirroring so if I'm working
with someone and their foot is tapping
but they can't see my feet well I could
tap my finger on my arm like this ever
so gently and those things will allow
you to then connect up what they're
doing with their feet and what you are
doing with your fingers now the way you
know you have rapport so a lot of people
ask well how am I going to know if I
have rapport or not what if I'm doing it
what's going to allow me to know what
are those indicators of rapport well in
fact if you look at the next page in
your manual the four indicators of
rapport there's a kinesthetic there's an
auditory a visual and an auditory
digital so the kinesthetic one is you
get that warm fuzzy feeling so what if
you're working with someone and you're
doing matching and miri and you feel
really good and they have a like a a
warm fuzzy and they say it feels really
good to talk to you well that's one of
the indicators right now another one
might be a visual so you're working with
the person let's say I bring someone
on stage with me and all of a sudden I
see a color shift as I'm talking to them
it's as if they're responding to my
words using your sensory acuity you can
pick up those color shifts that's the
visual auditory the person may say
something they may say that's so great
talking to you I feel like you really
listened to me
I really am open to the ideas that
you're sharing I'd love to hear more
well that would be an auditory so that
would be as if you knew the person
before that kind of auditory response
that's the other indicator and then
finally auditory digital it's called
leading and a lot of NLP talks about
pacing and leading if I start matching
and mirroring a person and then I go and
make a movement and they then move after
I move that means I started off pacing
them now I'm leading them that means
that you have established the firm and
deep rapport you have established that
level of rapport that open communication
is there and you now have that
responsiveness those indicators will
allow you to know as an individual you
have established that level of rapport
so when I taught this person that
rapport in the training that I did out
there and Erie he said it goes I only
learned it you did a 30-minute
presentation on rapport that's all I got
to know and I go all the way down there
to Panama I have a translator this
person is having to help me translate
and as I'm talking to this person just
outside of their awareness as they were
crossing their arms he goes I would sit
there and cross my arms when he would
breathe in to say something I would
breathe in he goes I noticed that when
he talked he did a lot of nodding and
every once in a while he would go like
this and he said while I was talking to
this person every once in a while I
would go like this and he said in all of
a sudden I saw this color shift like he
was responding to what I had to say and
he said sure enough he goes it saved the
company close to a quarter of a million
dollars of going down there repeatedly
of having to hire other people he goes I
went down there he goes all I did was
matching and mirroring within five
minutes this guy is talking to me about
his family about his friends about how
amazing Panama
he said truly in a short presentation
just practicing these very simple
techniques of matching and mirroring he
was able to establish this in a business
setting instantaneously and get a
specific result that literally affected
his bottom line so practice your report
practice it with people you know
practice with people that you don't know
and get really good at it
because it is a massive part a huge
foundation in NLP I hope you enjoyed
this presentation
I look forward to seeing you in another
one